Hack and Gotch
If there was a point in time that you could point to and say, "that's where pro wrestling was birthed," there would be no better place than April 3, 1908. On that day a match took place that would forever set the tempo for how the sport would play out up to and beyond this writing. Georg Hackenschmidt, the first world champion in pro wrestling history, was in Chicago to take on American grappler Frank A. Gotch in what can be best described as the first, "dream match." However the feud on display between the two men was more opera than sport, filled with real life matches, real life animosity, and real life injured bodies and relationships. In short, it was pro wrestling at its finest and it would change both men's lives irrevocably. Wrestling historian and writer Mike Chapman noted, to illustrate the epic nature of this battle, "In all of athletic history, there are a mere handful of rivalries between individual stars that have become almost as large as the sport itself. In boxing, such matchups as Sullivan-Corbet, Dempsey-Tunney, Louis-Conn, and Ali-Frazier are a part of boxing folklore. In wrestling, there is only one: Gotch–Hackenschmidt." This is where wrestling begins and ends.
As background, Gotch was the American darling and champion, Hackenscmidt was the World Champion in England; so this match was the equivalent of Goldberg-Austin type match. Both were real shooters, trained in deadly grappling arts; both known as cantankerous champions who could decide a match by their strength of will alone, and had. This was the true feud of the century, and their actual matches would live up to the hype; while at the same time cementing that legacy that wrestling clings to even today. To top it all off, these were fixed shoot matches; at least depending who you ask. Some writers (contemporaries and historians) swear that the bout was fixed; but most contend that, seeing as neither man was really willing to put over the other man, it was a real match.
To start things off, Hack had been offered (and refused) public training sessions in Chicago; instead choosing to go for long walks along Lake Michagan and spending solitary nights alone in his hotel room. Arrangements had been made especially by the club, and because of his no show, he was barred. This was also a major show of disdain towards his opponent and American Wrestling as a whole; and is a precursor to the inflated ego heels that would come later. And of course in true to heel fashion, this blunder would come back to haunt him in the match. There are further connotations from this rebuking of the Americans, from the actions of the referee to the continuous eye gouges Gotch would employ; to the very idea of weather or not it was a staged bout. The punishment that Gotch would deal out seems to indicate he wanted to take Hack out
Gotch was in the best shape of his life at this point; and was ready to teach the pompous heel a lesson in American Wrestling. Aside from his superior conditioning, his speed and size, his rough and often nefarious tactics, and his devastating toehold; Gotch had another advantage in his bag of dirty tricks. That was an American referee that took particular exception to Hack's superior attitude, and cut him absolutely no slack throughout the match. Gotch went to work early, wearing down the champ and working towards his back. This being an old school, real Rasslin affair; the combatants stood up on their feet for about two whole hours before Gotch finally got behind Hack and dropped him to the mat. Gotch roughed Hack around the ring in that time, leaning on him, throwing thumbs in his eyes, and head butting him until the champ was wearing pro wrestling's first Crimson Mask. Hack called for clemency from the ref a number of times, to no avail. At one point he even asked that Gotch go take a shower to wash off the literally buckets of oil he had drenched himself with before the bout; only to be famously told, "he should have noticed the oil before the match began." Then Gotch punched him in the nose. This is where the veil between work and shoot seems to lift. In contemporary descriptions of the bout Hack, though often portrayed as the villain, is described as being legitimately confused by the whole affair; showing similar body language to Bret Hart in Montreal. As an outside observer, it is easy to make the assumption that Hack had been promised a victory, or at least a valiant loss; but Gotch wasn't going to make it valiant at all. He was going to embarrass Hack and show him up.
Around two hours into the match is when it all changed. Hack was thrown into the ropes, slammed down onto the mat, and throughly stretched as Gotch went for his toehold; which Hack had specifically trained to escape, and did. However that exertion had left him psychically drained and... Well to be honest at this point it gets a little hazy. What we know to be true is that Hack did surrender that first fall (matches at this time we're best 2 out of 3 falls) to Gotch; saying, "I surrender the championship of the world to Mr. Gotch," and shaking his hand. But then, after returning to the dressing room to prepare for the second fall of the match; Hack apparently decided to not to return to the ring, essentially giving up his belt willingly. Again the divide between work and shoot deepens; fact and fiction are one in the same when it comes to these legendary stories. Again it leads credence to my theory that Hack had been promised a very different kind of match; and his comments later would further indicate this.
As far as this part of the match is concerned (in wrestling, "reality") Hack conceded that he had lost to the better man (qualifying that with the excuse of injuries) allegedly calling Gotch, "the greatest man by far I ever met;" however this apparent respect for the new champ wouldn't last; and perhaps was never there as many quotes from his era were embellished or simply made up. I say this because later on Hack would change his tune, saying he had been tricked by the Americans and "fouled by Gotch," and called for a rematch in Europe; which would of course take place in America. Again, more credence to the overall theory that Hack was part of the first big time wrestling screw job.
The idea of two monster champions feuding was born. The heel was born. The technical baby face was born. The screw job was born. Pro wrestling was bubbling fervently to life now. Everything was set for the epic rematch.
1911 in the newly opened Comiskey Park (in Chicago again) the two men met for the highly anticipated sequel match; drawing a crowd of 30,000 and bringing in a whopping (for the time) gate of $87,000 dollars. This may be the most famous and infamous wrestling match of all time, and it is definitely the one with the most controversy. It was a shoot match, plain and simple; and the first truly great one in a promotion that was usually staged. This time, at least in my humble opinion, there was no room for argument; Hack got screwed. The first thing was Hack was injured in the weeks before the bout, but how exactly this happened (or if it even actually happened) remains in question. According to Hack, he sustained the injury in a training match with his long time training partner Dr. Roller. However there is also the old wrestling tale that grappler Al Santel bragged to Lou Thesz that he had been paid $5000 (by Gotch) to do the knee job in a match they had; a claim that has been attributed to and by other grapplers as well. Whatever really happened, and weather or not Hack was actually even injured, he went into the match quoted as saying he was, "fit to wrestle for my life" and was "satisfied with my condition and confident of the outcome."
He shouldn't have been. Gotch tore into him early, found the injury weakness was pliable, and set to work putting Hack into the toehold. This match was not by any means the tantric bout they had summoned into 1908; and Hack was defeated roundly in straight sets in just under 20 minutes. At the end, Hack gave up under the toehold and Gotch secured his title retainment; a classic squash match. It was the end of one era and the beginning of another; the first veteran to new guard belt drop in wrestling history. To give you an idea of how dominant Hack had been for all those years, in his entire career, Hackenschmidt engaged in about 3,000 matches; and lost only two. Yup, those two to Frank Gotch. Perhaps the greatest wrestler ever known was supplanted by the new Greatest of All Time; his name to be relegated to the pages of wrestling history.
Hack had three weaknesses which Gotch was able to exploit and use to ultimately defeat him. Firstly, when facing an opponent who was of his caliber, Hack had trouble adapting. Most of his opponents hadn't been up to his level, and in facing Gotch he was not prepared for the terrible onslaught that was to come. Gotch worked that knee so well, Hack was dead in the water. The second was that he could easily become depressed and irascible, leading him to shut himself off in his hotel room without properly training for his bout. Against a lesser man this would have not effected him so much, but against Gotch it would be his undoing. The final weakness was his lack of (as stated by the referee that may or may not have led the screw job) "gameness;" or his inability to convert in the biggest matches of his life. I mentioned his unbelievable (and probably embellished) streak of victories (which make The Streak look like a cup of coffee in the big time) so you take this anyway you like. Either Hack had beaten three thousand men before meeting with a, "proper opponent," like Gotch, or it was all an elaborate lie set up to push Hack further in superstardom. Sadly, the former is likely true; that a) Cochrane and other promoters who worked with Hack made damn sure he won every bout and b) that Hack was one of those superior physical specimens that only comes around once or twice in a lifetime. Gotch was the other one, but he had the, "gameness," or just the resolve, to do whatever it took to take his place in wrestling history.
Next time: The story of Frank Gotch continues.
The Bottom Line
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Nationalism in Wrestling: Big Daddy
Nationalism in Wrestling: England
Hackenschmidt to Big Daddy
For 100s of years there has been a strong sporting tradition in the Kingdom of Britain; one that is ultimately championed by football, tennis, and boxing, sports seen as pastimes and veritable talismans of English world superiority. It's no surprise then that along with those other athletic competitions stands Pro Wrestling. The subtle coupling of epic athletic bouts and the comparatively Shakespearean morality plays of theater which are pro wrestling's calling cards, are in the 1950 these rings would become as thrilling as the sacred premiership football grounds. In 1955 ITV first began to air televised matches (much in the style of the American NWA and affiliate groups) but wrestling didn't really take off until the 1960s and the famous program World of Sport. Before then, it was sideshow. Now it was a true main event, worthy of the pageantry and pomp of the FA cup or Wimbledon Final. What followed this increase in television viewers, and concurrent with America's own wrestling boom, was the formation of a cast of Englishmen who would become UK icons.
Georg Hackenschmidt was a legitimate shooter. Trained in Greco Roman style in the Russian Empire, he was brought over to bolster the overall legitimacy of British wrestling by the promoter Charles Cochran. After teaching Hack the finer points of showmanship, Georg would go on to be probably the most legendary heel of all time, and definitely the first. This is an important moment for the sport, a sort of philosophical turning point where pro wrestling decided to be more show and less "fight." In fact, Cochran was just covering himself; Hackenschmidt was such a dominant wrestler that Cochran rightly felt he could win the belt and simply decide not to loose it. Essentially, Georg could decide every match on his own simply with his power and ability. The other thing that is perhaps most notable about what Hackenschmidt brought to pro wrestling was the development of the nationalist gimmick; one that goes right up through Hulk Hogan and John Cena. However, Hackenschmidt was the wrestling nationalist heel; a stranger in a foreign land more akin to Iron Sheiks and Nakita Koloff.
But Hack was of the era of real wrestling. This was a time when legit shooters could (and did) take over matches that were intended to be staged; or even that two legit wrestlers could have a real match for a world title (more on that later.) To give you a better idea of Hack's dominance and ability, while he was working with Cochran, Hack would regularly wrestle (and defeat) five opponents in one night. What followed was the first real wrestling boom as people flooded music halls to see the world first Wrestling superstar lay waste to the worlds first legion of jobbers. He was also the worlds first world champion. At this point however, I will diverge from his career (which relocated to America) and pick back up on British Wrestling. The titanic battle between Hack and American wrestling legend Frank Gotch will be covered in the next chapter.
This tradition of wrestling that began with Hack goes back to wrestlers like Adrain Street and Mic McManus, all the way up to Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid; but maybe the most influential of them all (other than of course Hack himself) was England's version of Dusty Rhodes; the British Dream, Big Daddy.
Shirley Crabtree Jr was a wrestler; like his father before him. In the 1950s he began to gain a small stardom as the babyface, "Blonde Adonis Shirley Crabtree," working for the big time British promotions and feuding with over the top heels; however he did not appear on ITVs World of Sport. This can be attributed to an event that happened as his early career was gaining significant momentum; and that was a non kayfabe dispute over the British Heavyweight Belt while wrestling for the British Wrestling Federation that turned into a (also non kayfabe) campaign of harassment from the former champ, Bert Assirati. The harassment was significant enough that in 1966, Crabtree quit the BWF and "retired." That retirement however would last only six years.
In 1972, our story really begins. Joint Productions employed him with a heel gimmick known as The Battling Guardsman. He came to the ring adorned in his British Imperial military regalia and many boos. He began to win matches, appear on ITV, and slowly develop the persona that would define his wrestling career. At some point in this time his brother Max would become Joint Productions northern booker and begin to mold Shirley from a guardsman into what is essentially a loving homage to the Burl Ives character of the same name from Tennessee Williams Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He debuted the character, still as a heel, sometime near the end of 1974 and began to build the heat that naturally leads to a face turn. Wearing a singlet emblazoned with a large D (apparently sewn by his wife Eunice and crafted from their chintz sofa) and tag teaming with fellow future legend Giant Haystacks Calhoun, Daddy caught fire in 1975 as he began his first big time feud with masked heel Kendo Nagasaki; even unmasking the villain during a televised bout in December, which Nagasaki would win only moments later. As the heat built, he turned face on his old cohort Haystacks and the two began a feud that would become the stuff of legend. While it would begin in 1977, this feud would last until the mid 1990s and in many ways defines what British wrestling is all about. In the beginning of the feud and face turn, Daddy began to come to the ring wearing an oversized Union Jack jacket or an oversized Union Jack sequin cape, and his trademark top hat; catching that same fire of nationalism that Hulk Hogan would channel years later in WWF. This made him a firm favorite with kids mainly, just like Hogan, but even such British mainstays as Queen Elizabeth have admitted to being huge fans of Big Daddy. His appeal to England was widespread, as he embodied the beer bellied, working class spirit of the British wrestling fan; a precursor then too to the antics of one Stone Cold Steve Austin. He feuded with Haystacks and Canadian "Mighty" John Quinn, headlining two major Wembly Stadium matches in 1979 and 1981, respectively. He also helped lead such veterans as Dave "Fit" Finlay and Drew MacDonald into the business with feuds in the early 80s. All of this lead him to the Hippodrome Circus in Great Yarmouth, August 1987.
The match was a simple one, a common one. A tag team affair between Daddy and his real life nephew Steven (billed as "Greg Valentine," most likely to trick people into buying tickets to see "The Hammer,") taking on King Kendo and King Kong Kirk. The match played out normally, and up until the final moments not a spot had been missed. Daddy set up his signature Daddy Splash, no doubt readying to get the pin and win, when he noticed that Kirk had turned an, "unusual colour." Likely Kirk hadn't tucked his chin while taking the splash, or perhaps the repeated body blows from years of being a wrestler (and prop forward for Featherstone Rovers Rugby Club) had finally taken its ultimate toll. Whatever the reason, Kirk never made it to the hospital and was pronounced dead on arrival. Further inquest by Police and medical staff would reveal a heart condition to be the ultimate culprit, clearing Crabtree but not removing his guilt. The match would stay with him years and years later. He continued to make appearances into the 1990s before completely retiring to be home with his family; after which he would soon die from a stroke in 1997. When he died, wrestling was just reaching the end of its zenith. Ten years before, while Wrestlemania and Hulkamania ran wild in the US, King Kong Kirk was dying in a ring from a big splash; and arguably Big Daddy's career also came to an abrupt end that night. Though he was still active in the years when wrestling reached its most popular, he always seemed to serve as merely a footnote; a reminder of the bygone era. Big Daddy wouldn't translate to American stardom, but he would be the spiritual forefather of cousins and future British Bulldogs, Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid; so his influence lived far beyond the borders of the Kingdom. In fact, Big Daddy teamed with a young Davey Boy Smith in his formative years and perhaps in a sense gifted him the idea to use his famous Union Jack tights and trunks.
Both of these men lived very different lives and had very different impacts on the business. Hackenschmidt is admittedly the more important wrestler (at least in terms of worldwide appeal) and his career will be further expanded on in further installments. But what is so important about these two men is the influence they had on the game itself. Hackenschmidt's motif of the Monster World Champion (Hogan, Cena, etc) was that unstoppable force of babyface nature, and would become a major part of the pro wrestling landscape. Big Daddy's motif of the Patriotic Nationalist People's Figurehead (Hogan, Cena, etc) would be imitated but never quite so effortlessly and perfectly personified as the beer gutted blonde brute with the physique of a boilermaker; there is something opposite here, yet something alike. While Hackenschimdt is the thing we know we can never be, the physical specimen that we want to be like; Big Daddy is what we are. While Hackenschmidt is the progenitor of wrestling's Hulk Hogan's, Big Daddy is the precursor of The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Therefore it is also interesting to note that when Hackenschmidt wrestled in his homeland of Russia, he was a conquering hero. But when he wrestled in American against Frank Gotch, what we saw was the creation of the Foreign Heel. More on that next time.
Hackenschmidt to Big Daddy
For 100s of years there has been a strong sporting tradition in the Kingdom of Britain; one that is ultimately championed by football, tennis, and boxing, sports seen as pastimes and veritable talismans of English world superiority. It's no surprise then that along with those other athletic competitions stands Pro Wrestling. The subtle coupling of epic athletic bouts and the comparatively Shakespearean morality plays of theater which are pro wrestling's calling cards, are in the 1950 these rings would become as thrilling as the sacred premiership football grounds. In 1955 ITV first began to air televised matches (much in the style of the American NWA and affiliate groups) but wrestling didn't really take off until the 1960s and the famous program World of Sport. Before then, it was sideshow. Now it was a true main event, worthy of the pageantry and pomp of the FA cup or Wimbledon Final. What followed this increase in television viewers, and concurrent with America's own wrestling boom, was the formation of a cast of Englishmen who would become UK icons.
Georg Hackenschmidt was a legitimate shooter. Trained in Greco Roman style in the Russian Empire, he was brought over to bolster the overall legitimacy of British wrestling by the promoter Charles Cochran. After teaching Hack the finer points of showmanship, Georg would go on to be probably the most legendary heel of all time, and definitely the first. This is an important moment for the sport, a sort of philosophical turning point where pro wrestling decided to be more show and less "fight." In fact, Cochran was just covering himself; Hackenschmidt was such a dominant wrestler that Cochran rightly felt he could win the belt and simply decide not to loose it. Essentially, Georg could decide every match on his own simply with his power and ability. The other thing that is perhaps most notable about what Hackenschmidt brought to pro wrestling was the development of the nationalist gimmick; one that goes right up through Hulk Hogan and John Cena. However, Hackenschmidt was the wrestling nationalist heel; a stranger in a foreign land more akin to Iron Sheiks and Nakita Koloff.
But Hack was of the era of real wrestling. This was a time when legit shooters could (and did) take over matches that were intended to be staged; or even that two legit wrestlers could have a real match for a world title (more on that later.) To give you a better idea of Hack's dominance and ability, while he was working with Cochran, Hack would regularly wrestle (and defeat) five opponents in one night. What followed was the first real wrestling boom as people flooded music halls to see the world first Wrestling superstar lay waste to the worlds first legion of jobbers. He was also the worlds first world champion. At this point however, I will diverge from his career (which relocated to America) and pick back up on British Wrestling. The titanic battle between Hack and American wrestling legend Frank Gotch will be covered in the next chapter.
This tradition of wrestling that began with Hack goes back to wrestlers like Adrain Street and Mic McManus, all the way up to Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid; but maybe the most influential of them all (other than of course Hack himself) was England's version of Dusty Rhodes; the British Dream, Big Daddy.
Shirley Crabtree Jr was a wrestler; like his father before him. In the 1950s he began to gain a small stardom as the babyface, "Blonde Adonis Shirley Crabtree," working for the big time British promotions and feuding with over the top heels; however he did not appear on ITVs World of Sport. This can be attributed to an event that happened as his early career was gaining significant momentum; and that was a non kayfabe dispute over the British Heavyweight Belt while wrestling for the British Wrestling Federation that turned into a (also non kayfabe) campaign of harassment from the former champ, Bert Assirati. The harassment was significant enough that in 1966, Crabtree quit the BWF and "retired." That retirement however would last only six years.
In 1972, our story really begins. Joint Productions employed him with a heel gimmick known as The Battling Guardsman. He came to the ring adorned in his British Imperial military regalia and many boos. He began to win matches, appear on ITV, and slowly develop the persona that would define his wrestling career. At some point in this time his brother Max would become Joint Productions northern booker and begin to mold Shirley from a guardsman into what is essentially a loving homage to the Burl Ives character of the same name from Tennessee Williams Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He debuted the character, still as a heel, sometime near the end of 1974 and began to build the heat that naturally leads to a face turn. Wearing a singlet emblazoned with a large D (apparently sewn by his wife Eunice and crafted from their chintz sofa) and tag teaming with fellow future legend Giant Haystacks Calhoun, Daddy caught fire in 1975 as he began his first big time feud with masked heel Kendo Nagasaki; even unmasking the villain during a televised bout in December, which Nagasaki would win only moments later. As the heat built, he turned face on his old cohort Haystacks and the two began a feud that would become the stuff of legend. While it would begin in 1977, this feud would last until the mid 1990s and in many ways defines what British wrestling is all about. In the beginning of the feud and face turn, Daddy began to come to the ring wearing an oversized Union Jack jacket or an oversized Union Jack sequin cape, and his trademark top hat; catching that same fire of nationalism that Hulk Hogan would channel years later in WWF. This made him a firm favorite with kids mainly, just like Hogan, but even such British mainstays as Queen Elizabeth have admitted to being huge fans of Big Daddy. His appeal to England was widespread, as he embodied the beer bellied, working class spirit of the British wrestling fan; a precursor then too to the antics of one Stone Cold Steve Austin. He feuded with Haystacks and Canadian "Mighty" John Quinn, headlining two major Wembly Stadium matches in 1979 and 1981, respectively. He also helped lead such veterans as Dave "Fit" Finlay and Drew MacDonald into the business with feuds in the early 80s. All of this lead him to the Hippodrome Circus in Great Yarmouth, August 1987.
The match was a simple one, a common one. A tag team affair between Daddy and his real life nephew Steven (billed as "Greg Valentine," most likely to trick people into buying tickets to see "The Hammer,") taking on King Kendo and King Kong Kirk. The match played out normally, and up until the final moments not a spot had been missed. Daddy set up his signature Daddy Splash, no doubt readying to get the pin and win, when he noticed that Kirk had turned an, "unusual colour." Likely Kirk hadn't tucked his chin while taking the splash, or perhaps the repeated body blows from years of being a wrestler (and prop forward for Featherstone Rovers Rugby Club) had finally taken its ultimate toll. Whatever the reason, Kirk never made it to the hospital and was pronounced dead on arrival. Further inquest by Police and medical staff would reveal a heart condition to be the ultimate culprit, clearing Crabtree but not removing his guilt. The match would stay with him years and years later. He continued to make appearances into the 1990s before completely retiring to be home with his family; after which he would soon die from a stroke in 1997. When he died, wrestling was just reaching the end of its zenith. Ten years before, while Wrestlemania and Hulkamania ran wild in the US, King Kong Kirk was dying in a ring from a big splash; and arguably Big Daddy's career also came to an abrupt end that night. Though he was still active in the years when wrestling reached its most popular, he always seemed to serve as merely a footnote; a reminder of the bygone era. Big Daddy wouldn't translate to American stardom, but he would be the spiritual forefather of cousins and future British Bulldogs, Davey Boy Smith and Dynamite Kid; so his influence lived far beyond the borders of the Kingdom. In fact, Big Daddy teamed with a young Davey Boy Smith in his formative years and perhaps in a sense gifted him the idea to use his famous Union Jack tights and trunks.
Both of these men lived very different lives and had very different impacts on the business. Hackenschmidt is admittedly the more important wrestler (at least in terms of worldwide appeal) and his career will be further expanded on in further installments. But what is so important about these two men is the influence they had on the game itself. Hackenschmidt's motif of the Monster World Champion (Hogan, Cena, etc) was that unstoppable force of babyface nature, and would become a major part of the pro wrestling landscape. Big Daddy's motif of the Patriotic Nationalist People's Figurehead (Hogan, Cena, etc) would be imitated but never quite so effortlessly and perfectly personified as the beer gutted blonde brute with the physique of a boilermaker; there is something opposite here, yet something alike. While Hackenschimdt is the thing we know we can never be, the physical specimen that we want to be like; Big Daddy is what we are. While Hackenschmidt is the progenitor of wrestling's Hulk Hogan's, Big Daddy is the precursor of The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Therefore it is also interesting to note that when Hackenschmidt wrestled in his homeland of Russia, he was a conquering hero. But when he wrestled in American against Frank Gotch, what we saw was the creation of the Foreign Heel. More on that next time.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Extreme Rules - Extreme PG Review
Extreme Rules - Extreme PG Review
so extreme rules happened. HERES A REVIEW!
Ziggler/Corbin
"You should have stayed home."—Corbin to Ziggler.
This match was trashy, and thats not just because Ziggler lost (again.) Both these guys are great in the ring, but the whole show felt like it was lacking something; I don't know, it felt like they could have done more. Ziggler came out strong with a flurry that stunned Corbin back, but then it turned into the sort of humiliating decimation usually reserved for only Hulk Hogan to come back from. Corbin worked the arm and messed with the crowd, before Ziggler had his brief comeback and...was overwhelmed. Though there was the one moment where Ziggler hit a Tornado DDT to counter one of Corbin's power moves; but alas. Low blow, End of Days, everybody go home. A match I hyped to myself that did not live up to expectation.
Corbin with the pin.
2 star
Bullet Club/ Usos
Better than I expected (and not just because Bullet Club pulled out the win, spoiler alert) they opened up with a great brawl run in, with Gallows and Anderson beating down Jey. It was pretty high energy and high impact for a bit, before cooling as it should. Both teams put on a great show, and though I am 100% done with this feud; it helped I guess reignite the passion or some shit I dont know. It was a good match. At one point G and A kicked Jey into a guardrail. That was nice of them. Thankfully no run ins from Roman or Aj, Gallows eventually gets the ring bell and Jimmy ends up landing on it, leaving him vulnerable to the Magic Killer. G and A get the win.
G and A with the pin
3 Star
Kalisto/Rusev
As the Italian announcer said something I couldn't understand, the bout between Rusev and Kalisto began. And then Rusev began. He began all over Kalisto. This was one of those, "oh man he survived so many bouts with this monster, now hes dead," kinda matches. Rusev pounced on Kalisto earily, stomping and elbowing his way to fucking Kalisto up. In trouble early, Kalisto seemed to be constantly struggling to escape Rusev's grip; to no avail. After a trip to the apron and a brief surge from the (now former) US champ, (as well as a hurricanrana to fling Rusev into the steel steps) Rusev beat the ever-living piss out of him over and over and over and yeah I totally called this one. He clamped the masked man into the Accolade and boom. Rusev is champ. A realistic finish I guess.
Rusev with the submission.
3 star
New Day/Vaudevillians
"Because we are in the Garden State, we are about to put two hoes in the ground."—Big E
NEW DAY ROCKS!
Solid match. I would never give it a five (thats a tough sell) but I'll give it a four (spoiler alert.) Kingston took the spot of manager while the Xaiver and Big E took on The Vaudevillains. Quickly the Vaudevillians gained the advantage, keeping Woods in the Ricky Morton position in their corner. After a Whirling Dervish didn't vanquish the tag team champs, Kingston got the ref's ear and the champs pulled out a win. This feud should build even more now, and the ensuing comeback match should be gold (and probably trade a win with Gotch and English.) Its also weird that the New Day is still using those heel tactics, but hey fuck it; so did Stone Cold right?
New Day Rocks via pinfall
4 star
Miz, Cesaro, Owens, Zayn
"It's my title!"—Owens.
Match of the year? yeah if Zayn/Nakamura didn't happen. BUT IT DID. Anyway, this match was fan-fucking-tastic. Sami Zayn took out Owens while Cesaro removed The Miz; leaving Zayn and Cesaro to go mano e mano. Moments later, Owens returned, taking out all three of his foes like a golden whirlwind unicorn. fuck. This match was great. The momentum was all over the place, each guy played a huge part and made a big impact. I know the internet was hard on Miz (at least the pages I follow on facebook) but I thought he put on a great performance. At one point, Cesaro forced The Miz to tap out with the Sharpshooter, but the referee was busy dealing with Maryse (managers, am I rite?) Owens then put a big powerbomb on Cesaro before Miz broke up the pin. Like I called it earlier; Zayn and Owens soon got so involved in their own bad blood that Miz stole the pin on Cesaro and retained his belt. Okay, I didn't call that Miz retained the belt; and in fact I said it would be a bad idea for him not to drop the belt. fuck it. Miz won me over tonight.
Miz by pinfall of Cesaro
4 star
Ambrose/Jericho
"Come on, whipping boy!"—Jericho.
A mess. Plz never do one of these again. Anyway.
Jericho tried to escape, but the cage door was locked; and so Ambrose went to work, on Y2J with right hands. Then a mop was used. Jericho got beat with the mop, also nunchucks; then Y2J got a kendo stick. Then there was a lether strap. If you thought they were going to use every thing that hung over the ring tonight...you were right. Fire Extinguisher, Straight Jacket; thumbtacks. It was a Mick Foley Christmas. Dirty Deeds, we go home.
Ambrose via pin. no more asylum matches plz.
2 star
Naty/Charlotte
"Where's your dad now?"—Natalya.
A great match, just not a good one. What? Anyway.
Both Charlotte and Natalya went for submission early, but per usual, Charlotte remained in control for much of the bout. Natalya rammed Charlotte's left arm into the ring post outside, then went to work on that arm for the remainder of the match. It was getting stale when Dana Brooke came out dressed as The Nature Boy and fucked everything up for The Anvil's little girl. Charlotte gets the figture eight (four?) and then Brooke attacked Naty. No fair, Flair. Also, lots of Flair dancing and Charlotte being all like, "get away from me," with Dana Brooke.
WOOO!
3 Star
Styles/Reigns
"You can't wrestle!" "Roman sucks!"
They chanted Roman sucks. It was great. Styles put him down three times but got kicked out each time. I saw the inevitable coming, but I still couldn't believe it. Plz Uncle Vince, I said. Plz not this again.
Pretty good match, a bit extreme (but not too extreme for PG) with some good Phenom Forearms and goddamn Superman Punches and hahahahaha
ROMAN SUCKS chant.
Though overall it was a solid match, and really when Rollins shows up at the end
3 star
SPOILER ALERT
Seth Rollins is back and the title belongs to him.
SETH ROLLINS IS BACK.
Goodnight you plucky bastards.
so extreme rules happened. HERES A REVIEW!
Ziggler/Corbin
"You should have stayed home."—Corbin to Ziggler.
This match was trashy, and thats not just because Ziggler lost (again.) Both these guys are great in the ring, but the whole show felt like it was lacking something; I don't know, it felt like they could have done more. Ziggler came out strong with a flurry that stunned Corbin back, but then it turned into the sort of humiliating decimation usually reserved for only Hulk Hogan to come back from. Corbin worked the arm and messed with the crowd, before Ziggler had his brief comeback and...was overwhelmed. Though there was the one moment where Ziggler hit a Tornado DDT to counter one of Corbin's power moves; but alas. Low blow, End of Days, everybody go home. A match I hyped to myself that did not live up to expectation.
Corbin with the pin.
2 star
Bullet Club/ Usos
Better than I expected (and not just because Bullet Club pulled out the win, spoiler alert) they opened up with a great brawl run in, with Gallows and Anderson beating down Jey. It was pretty high energy and high impact for a bit, before cooling as it should. Both teams put on a great show, and though I am 100% done with this feud; it helped I guess reignite the passion or some shit I dont know. It was a good match. At one point G and A kicked Jey into a guardrail. That was nice of them. Thankfully no run ins from Roman or Aj, Gallows eventually gets the ring bell and Jimmy ends up landing on it, leaving him vulnerable to the Magic Killer. G and A get the win.
G and A with the pin
3 Star
Kalisto/Rusev
As the Italian announcer said something I couldn't understand, the bout between Rusev and Kalisto began. And then Rusev began. He began all over Kalisto. This was one of those, "oh man he survived so many bouts with this monster, now hes dead," kinda matches. Rusev pounced on Kalisto earily, stomping and elbowing his way to fucking Kalisto up. In trouble early, Kalisto seemed to be constantly struggling to escape Rusev's grip; to no avail. After a trip to the apron and a brief surge from the (now former) US champ, (as well as a hurricanrana to fling Rusev into the steel steps) Rusev beat the ever-living piss out of him over and over and over and yeah I totally called this one. He clamped the masked man into the Accolade and boom. Rusev is champ. A realistic finish I guess.
Rusev with the submission.
3 star
New Day/Vaudevillians
"Because we are in the Garden State, we are about to put two hoes in the ground."—Big E
NEW DAY ROCKS!
Solid match. I would never give it a five (thats a tough sell) but I'll give it a four (spoiler alert.) Kingston took the spot of manager while the Xaiver and Big E took on The Vaudevillains. Quickly the Vaudevillians gained the advantage, keeping Woods in the Ricky Morton position in their corner. After a Whirling Dervish didn't vanquish the tag team champs, Kingston got the ref's ear and the champs pulled out a win. This feud should build even more now, and the ensuing comeback match should be gold (and probably trade a win with Gotch and English.) Its also weird that the New Day is still using those heel tactics, but hey fuck it; so did Stone Cold right?
New Day Rocks via pinfall
4 star
Miz, Cesaro, Owens, Zayn
"It's my title!"—Owens.
Match of the year? yeah if Zayn/Nakamura didn't happen. BUT IT DID. Anyway, this match was fan-fucking-tastic. Sami Zayn took out Owens while Cesaro removed The Miz; leaving Zayn and Cesaro to go mano e mano. Moments later, Owens returned, taking out all three of his foes like a golden whirlwind unicorn. fuck. This match was great. The momentum was all over the place, each guy played a huge part and made a big impact. I know the internet was hard on Miz (at least the pages I follow on facebook) but I thought he put on a great performance. At one point, Cesaro forced The Miz to tap out with the Sharpshooter, but the referee was busy dealing with Maryse (managers, am I rite?) Owens then put a big powerbomb on Cesaro before Miz broke up the pin. Like I called it earlier; Zayn and Owens soon got so involved in their own bad blood that Miz stole the pin on Cesaro and retained his belt. Okay, I didn't call that Miz retained the belt; and in fact I said it would be a bad idea for him not to drop the belt. fuck it. Miz won me over tonight.
Miz by pinfall of Cesaro
4 star
Ambrose/Jericho
"Come on, whipping boy!"—Jericho.
A mess. Plz never do one of these again. Anyway.
Jericho tried to escape, but the cage door was locked; and so Ambrose went to work, on Y2J with right hands. Then a mop was used. Jericho got beat with the mop, also nunchucks; then Y2J got a kendo stick. Then there was a lether strap. If you thought they were going to use every thing that hung over the ring tonight...you were right. Fire Extinguisher, Straight Jacket; thumbtacks. It was a Mick Foley Christmas. Dirty Deeds, we go home.
Ambrose via pin. no more asylum matches plz.
2 star
Naty/Charlotte
"Where's your dad now?"—Natalya.
A great match, just not a good one. What? Anyway.
Both Charlotte and Natalya went for submission early, but per usual, Charlotte remained in control for much of the bout. Natalya rammed Charlotte's left arm into the ring post outside, then went to work on that arm for the remainder of the match. It was getting stale when Dana Brooke came out dressed as The Nature Boy and fucked everything up for The Anvil's little girl. Charlotte gets the figture eight (four?) and then Brooke attacked Naty. No fair, Flair. Also, lots of Flair dancing and Charlotte being all like, "get away from me," with Dana Brooke.
WOOO!
3 Star
Styles/Reigns
"You can't wrestle!" "Roman sucks!"
They chanted Roman sucks. It was great. Styles put him down three times but got kicked out each time. I saw the inevitable coming, but I still couldn't believe it. Plz Uncle Vince, I said. Plz not this again.
Pretty good match, a bit extreme (but not too extreme for PG) with some good Phenom Forearms and goddamn Superman Punches and hahahahaha
ROMAN SUCKS chant.
Though overall it was a solid match, and really when Rollins shows up at the end
3 star
SPOILER ALERT
Seth Rollins is back and the title belongs to him.
SETH ROLLINS IS BACK.
Goodnight you plucky bastards.
Extremely PG Extreme Rules Preview with Swearing
"The current advertised dark match main event for Raw on May 30 is John Cena and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles and Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson." - PW Insider's Steven Fernandes
Balls!
Hey kids! It's time for WWE's extremely PG extreme rules pay per view! Woo! Guys getting hit with chair- no? No chairs? Okay but at least some tabl- no tables? But they're both in the video game!
Okay, okay. Don't worry. Uncle Vince assures me that there will be both chairs and tables at the event. They will be used for selling merch, sitting down asses, and DEALING OUT PAIN AT SUMMERSLAM. I mean extreme rules, sorry. I'm just really excited for SUMMERSLAM.
Btw. Every time I write SUMMERSLAM my autocorrect makes it all caps. That's why it always looks like SUMMERSLAM. Anyway.
Here's the card with full predictions and RIP Mitch.
Jk he's coming back.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin (No Disqualification)
Again one of the better matches that I am looking forward to is early on the card. Thanks Uncle Vince, now I can go to bed while all the boring main events happen. I mean, I'm not saying that a billionaire who built a wrestling empire is an idiot, but Uncle Vince has been extremely lucky in the face of business practices that would slap dead any company that didn't feature Terry Gene Bollea and Mark Callaway. Why isn't this more main eventy? I thought this was a new era? Guess not. Anyway, both this guys haven't won on PPV for a while it feels like (maybe I'm wrong) and both have significant heat; it's still so close to call. I think they're gonna go traditional and either give it to the face or the heel; I mean like duh. Ziggler will pull out a win after Corbin showboats and gestates with the crowd most likely. I don't think Corbin will win because of the heel further down the card who says Neit. Likely Rusev will get the major heel win tonight.
The Usos vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Tornado Tag)
Boring. Boring. Boring. This this like the fifth time they've gone in recent memory. The matches aren't terrible but they're better with Reigns and Styles. Usos win again.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho (Asylum Match)
This one I am pretty interested in, if only because Jericho is always must see; and as of late he's been just perfect in the self centered heel role. It's great when he says, "quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet," to the audience; reminds me of the great heels. Ambrose is Ambrose. Great in ring, crowd love him, yeah he's fine, sure. This match gimmick could be great, I plan on seeing Y2J in the straight jacket and such. They need to morph the Ambrose gimmick a bit though, it's starting to become redundant. Ambrose gets gets his win back. Also look for the return of Mitch the potted plant, who is sort of like the Stephanie McMahon to their Son in Law Triple HHH (or the Jim Ross to their Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Intercontinental Championship)
I don't want to say to much about this match as I'm looking forward to it big time. I've cooled my hate for Miz lately and all three of the other guys are favorites of mine. Likely scenario is that Owens and Zayn cost each other the match (so to further their bitter feud) and then Cesaro wins it; thus changing hands. Whatever they do, please drop the belt. The worst thing they could do is build this match so much (through raw and snack down) only to have the heel retain the title. Cesaro by pinfall as Owens and Zayn cost each others shot.
Kalisto vs. Rusev (United States Championship)
Rusev wins here, I'm sure of it. I don't know why, I just have this feeling from the build. Kalisto will get buttered with punches and slams early, come back with some valiant second wind, then Lana will interfere and Rusev will win. That's what I think at least and I am always right about everything so.
Machka!
Charlotte vs. Natalya (Submission Match for Women's Championship; Ric Flair banned)
The women's division fucking rocks man. Tonight we have the daughter of Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the daughter of Jim The Anvil Neidhart. And they are both so good at what they do; the promo with Vince's Brood and Natch was awesome. I was on my feet when Natch lost his shit and went after Shane O Mac; doing the slaps and the walk and the run into the ropes. Classic. This might be the best match of the night, I don't wanna call it but I think tonight might be Naty's night.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains (Tag Team Championship)
I said might be because of course here lies the match which features a great NXT trained, throwback 90s feel tag team and of course your W...W...E...Tag...Team...Champions! New Day Rocks! But they probably drop the belts tonight, sorry. It's okay because A) they'll get them back soon and B) the Vaudevillians are pretty great, let's be honest.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Xhampripnshot)
Boring. I'm so sick of this feud. They both might be injured, but Styles is gonna be Kerry Von Erich one legging it on his injury. Could be great, their match at Payback was; but I'm just bored with this feud. Turn Roman heel tonight though...
And I'm fucking back Uncle Vince and Cousins Shane O and Steph and Aunt Linda and Cousins CM Punk and Hornswaggle and Cousin in Law Triple HHH. You bastards.
Live long and plucky.
Balls!
Hey kids! It's time for WWE's extremely PG extreme rules pay per view! Woo! Guys getting hit with chair- no? No chairs? Okay but at least some tabl- no tables? But they're both in the video game!
Okay, okay. Don't worry. Uncle Vince assures me that there will be both chairs and tables at the event. They will be used for selling merch, sitting down asses, and DEALING OUT PAIN AT SUMMERSLAM. I mean extreme rules, sorry. I'm just really excited for SUMMERSLAM.
Btw. Every time I write SUMMERSLAM my autocorrect makes it all caps. That's why it always looks like SUMMERSLAM. Anyway.
Here's the card with full predictions and RIP Mitch.
Jk he's coming back.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin (No Disqualification)
Again one of the better matches that I am looking forward to is early on the card. Thanks Uncle Vince, now I can go to bed while all the boring main events happen. I mean, I'm not saying that a billionaire who built a wrestling empire is an idiot, but Uncle Vince has been extremely lucky in the face of business practices that would slap dead any company that didn't feature Terry Gene Bollea and Mark Callaway. Why isn't this more main eventy? I thought this was a new era? Guess not. Anyway, both this guys haven't won on PPV for a while it feels like (maybe I'm wrong) and both have significant heat; it's still so close to call. I think they're gonna go traditional and either give it to the face or the heel; I mean like duh. Ziggler will pull out a win after Corbin showboats and gestates with the crowd most likely. I don't think Corbin will win because of the heel further down the card who says Neit. Likely Rusev will get the major heel win tonight.
The Usos vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Tornado Tag)
Boring. Boring. Boring. This this like the fifth time they've gone in recent memory. The matches aren't terrible but they're better with Reigns and Styles. Usos win again.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho (Asylum Match)
This one I am pretty interested in, if only because Jericho is always must see; and as of late he's been just perfect in the self centered heel role. It's great when he says, "quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet," to the audience; reminds me of the great heels. Ambrose is Ambrose. Great in ring, crowd love him, yeah he's fine, sure. This match gimmick could be great, I plan on seeing Y2J in the straight jacket and such. They need to morph the Ambrose gimmick a bit though, it's starting to become redundant. Ambrose gets gets his win back. Also look for the return of Mitch the potted plant, who is sort of like the Stephanie McMahon to their Son in Law Triple HHH (or the Jim Ross to their Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Intercontinental Championship)
I don't want to say to much about this match as I'm looking forward to it big time. I've cooled my hate for Miz lately and all three of the other guys are favorites of mine. Likely scenario is that Owens and Zayn cost each other the match (so to further their bitter feud) and then Cesaro wins it; thus changing hands. Whatever they do, please drop the belt. The worst thing they could do is build this match so much (through raw and snack down) only to have the heel retain the title. Cesaro by pinfall as Owens and Zayn cost each others shot.
Kalisto vs. Rusev (United States Championship)
Rusev wins here, I'm sure of it. I don't know why, I just have this feeling from the build. Kalisto will get buttered with punches and slams early, come back with some valiant second wind, then Lana will interfere and Rusev will win. That's what I think at least and I am always right about everything so.
Machka!
Charlotte vs. Natalya (Submission Match for Women's Championship; Ric Flair banned)
The women's division fucking rocks man. Tonight we have the daughter of Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the daughter of Jim The Anvil Neidhart. And they are both so good at what they do; the promo with Vince's Brood and Natch was awesome. I was on my feet when Natch lost his shit and went after Shane O Mac; doing the slaps and the walk and the run into the ropes. Classic. This might be the best match of the night, I don't wanna call it but I think tonight might be Naty's night.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains (Tag Team Championship)
I said might be because of course here lies the match which features a great NXT trained, throwback 90s feel tag team and of course your W...W...E...Tag...Team...Champions! New Day Rocks! But they probably drop the belts tonight, sorry. It's okay because A) they'll get them back soon and B) the Vaudevillians are pretty great, let's be honest.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Xhampripnshot)
Boring. I'm so sick of this feud. They both might be injured, but Styles is gonna be Kerry Von Erich one legging it on his injury. Could be great, their match at Payback was; but I'm just bored with this feud. Turn Roman heel tonight though...
And I'm fucking back Uncle Vince and Cousins Shane O and Steph and Aunt Linda and Cousins CM Punk and Hornswaggle and Cousin in Law Triple HHH. You bastards.
Live long and plucky.
Friday, May 20, 2016
LootCrate?!?!!
why wasn't Jhon Cena and Uncle Vince in this one. IT WAS CALLED POWER! They'll be in the steroids one, OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.
They need to make a wrestling LootCrate.
LootCrate May 2016
POWER!
HULK SMASH!
just got the Lootcrate for the month and though it wasn't the most amazing box they've done, it did have a few interesting tiddies in there of note. First of all sick Hulk figure from Q Fig, it fits nicely with the others that Lootcrate has Shipped in the past (Deadpool and Batman in the photo are also Q made by Q Fig.) I'm a sucker for statues so this one is a pass.
The shirt this month is also in the realm of pretty alright. I mean it's Warcraft so that's cool...if you wasted you life on that game. I wasted mine on Starcraft. Where's my damn Zerg devouring a Terran shirt gdamnit. Anyway, it's also cotton and huge for huge guys; I am a skinny bastard so it's fine. It's totally fine. Close pass.
Then something really cool. Plushy Shenron the dragon wrapped around a comically enlarged Dargon Ball. It has a clip on it so I think it's supposed to hang from your rear view mirror or your Haunaka fern, but I really don't care. I'm just gonna clip this to my face because dragon ball is awesome. Super pass with A plus.
Another resounding victory! A fracking Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt! This is quite awesome and cool and now I can move my sufflee anywhere in the universe without burning my hands. Solid. 10 out of 10 multipass.
Alright! Last thing here is the super awesome pin (which I love, like a child) and this time again it does not disappoint. It's apparently a bot from the game battleborn, but I do no care because these metal pins are sick and they could probably put just like the most awful thing on there and I would still wear it. Up to 11 out of 10.
Also the box is alright (but honestly I never turn them inside out, I just go, "oh cool," and play with my toys) but the magazine is really coming around. I actually read most of this one. The way they are laying it out with the stuff upfront (and corresponding articles) and then crap at the back is much better than the myriad of other ways they have tired to make it work. It's always kinda gimmicky and dumb, but it seems like it's getting better.
Anyway that's it for the May 2016 LootCrate, POWER!
They need to make a wrestling LootCrate.
LootCrate May 2016
POWER!
HULK SMASH!
just got the Lootcrate for the month and though it wasn't the most amazing box they've done, it did have a few interesting tiddies in there of note. First of all sick Hulk figure from Q Fig, it fits nicely with the others that Lootcrate has Shipped in the past (Deadpool and Batman in the photo are also Q made by Q Fig.) I'm a sucker for statues so this one is a pass.
The shirt this month is also in the realm of pretty alright. I mean it's Warcraft so that's cool...if you wasted you life on that game. I wasted mine on Starcraft. Where's my damn Zerg devouring a Terran shirt gdamnit. Anyway, it's also cotton and huge for huge guys; I am a skinny bastard so it's fine. It's totally fine. Close pass.
Then something really cool. Plushy Shenron the dragon wrapped around a comically enlarged Dargon Ball. It has a clip on it so I think it's supposed to hang from your rear view mirror or your Haunaka fern, but I really don't care. I'm just gonna clip this to my face because dragon ball is awesome. Super pass with A plus.
Another resounding victory! A fracking Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt! This is quite awesome and cool and now I can move my sufflee anywhere in the universe without burning my hands. Solid. 10 out of 10 multipass.
Alright! Last thing here is the super awesome pin (which I love, like a child) and this time again it does not disappoint. It's apparently a bot from the game battleborn, but I do no care because these metal pins are sick and they could probably put just like the most awful thing on there and I would still wear it. Up to 11 out of 10.
Also the box is alright (but honestly I never turn them inside out, I just go, "oh cool," and play with my toys) but the magazine is really coming around. I actually read most of this one. The way they are laying it out with the stuff upfront (and corresponding articles) and then crap at the back is much better than the myriad of other ways they have tired to make it work. It's always kinda gimmicky and dumb, but it seems like it's getting better.
Anyway that's it for the May 2016 LootCrate, POWER!
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