Extreme Rules - Extreme PG Review
so extreme rules happened. HERES A REVIEW!
Ziggler/Corbin
"You should have stayed home."—Corbin to Ziggler.
This match was trashy, and thats not just because Ziggler lost (again.) Both these guys are great in the ring, but the whole show felt like it was lacking something; I don't know, it felt like they could have done more. Ziggler came out strong with a flurry that stunned Corbin back, but then it turned into the sort of humiliating decimation usually reserved for only Hulk Hogan to come back from. Corbin worked the arm and messed with the crowd, before Ziggler had his brief comeback and...was overwhelmed. Though there was the one moment where Ziggler hit a Tornado DDT to counter one of Corbin's power moves; but alas. Low blow, End of Days, everybody go home. A match I hyped to myself that did not live up to expectation.
Corbin with the pin.
2 star
Bullet Club/ Usos
Better than I expected (and not just because Bullet Club pulled out the win, spoiler alert) they opened up with a great brawl run in, with Gallows and Anderson beating down Jey. It was pretty high energy and high impact for a bit, before cooling as it should. Both teams put on a great show, and though I am 100% done with this feud; it helped I guess reignite the passion or some shit I dont know. It was a good match. At one point G and A kicked Jey into a guardrail. That was nice of them. Thankfully no run ins from Roman or Aj, Gallows eventually gets the ring bell and Jimmy ends up landing on it, leaving him vulnerable to the Magic Killer. G and A get the win.
G and A with the pin
3 Star
Kalisto/Rusev
As the Italian announcer said something I couldn't understand, the bout between Rusev and Kalisto began. And then Rusev began. He began all over Kalisto. This was one of those, "oh man he survived so many bouts with this monster, now hes dead," kinda matches. Rusev pounced on Kalisto earily, stomping and elbowing his way to fucking Kalisto up. In trouble early, Kalisto seemed to be constantly struggling to escape Rusev's grip; to no avail. After a trip to the apron and a brief surge from the (now former) US champ, (as well as a hurricanrana to fling Rusev into the steel steps) Rusev beat the ever-living piss out of him over and over and over and yeah I totally called this one. He clamped the masked man into the Accolade and boom. Rusev is champ. A realistic finish I guess.
Rusev with the submission.
3 star
New Day/Vaudevillians
"Because we are in the Garden State, we are about to put two hoes in the ground."—Big E
NEW DAY ROCKS!
Solid match. I would never give it a five (thats a tough sell) but I'll give it a four (spoiler alert.) Kingston took the spot of manager while the Xaiver and Big E took on The Vaudevillains. Quickly the Vaudevillians gained the advantage, keeping Woods in the Ricky Morton position in their corner. After a Whirling Dervish didn't vanquish the tag team champs, Kingston got the ref's ear and the champs pulled out a win. This feud should build even more now, and the ensuing comeback match should be gold (and probably trade a win with Gotch and English.) Its also weird that the New Day is still using those heel tactics, but hey fuck it; so did Stone Cold right?
New Day Rocks via pinfall
4 star
Miz, Cesaro, Owens, Zayn
"It's my title!"—Owens.
Match of the year? yeah if Zayn/Nakamura didn't happen. BUT IT DID. Anyway, this match was fan-fucking-tastic. Sami Zayn took out Owens while Cesaro removed The Miz; leaving Zayn and Cesaro to go mano e mano. Moments later, Owens returned, taking out all three of his foes like a golden whirlwind unicorn. fuck. This match was great. The momentum was all over the place, each guy played a huge part and made a big impact. I know the internet was hard on Miz (at least the pages I follow on facebook) but I thought he put on a great performance. At one point, Cesaro forced The Miz to tap out with the Sharpshooter, but the referee was busy dealing with Maryse (managers, am I rite?) Owens then put a big powerbomb on Cesaro before Miz broke up the pin. Like I called it earlier; Zayn and Owens soon got so involved in their own bad blood that Miz stole the pin on Cesaro and retained his belt. Okay, I didn't call that Miz retained the belt; and in fact I said it would be a bad idea for him not to drop the belt. fuck it. Miz won me over tonight.
Miz by pinfall of Cesaro
4 star
Ambrose/Jericho
"Come on, whipping boy!"—Jericho.
A mess. Plz never do one of these again. Anyway.
Jericho tried to escape, but the cage door was locked; and so Ambrose went to work, on Y2J with right hands. Then a mop was used. Jericho got beat with the mop, also nunchucks; then Y2J got a kendo stick. Then there was a lether strap. If you thought they were going to use every thing that hung over the ring tonight...you were right. Fire Extinguisher, Straight Jacket; thumbtacks. It was a Mick Foley Christmas. Dirty Deeds, we go home.
Ambrose via pin. no more asylum matches plz.
2 star
Naty/Charlotte
"Where's your dad now?"—Natalya.
A great match, just not a good one. What? Anyway.
Both Charlotte and Natalya went for submission early, but per usual, Charlotte remained in control for much of the bout. Natalya rammed Charlotte's left arm into the ring post outside, then went to work on that arm for the remainder of the match. It was getting stale when Dana Brooke came out dressed as The Nature Boy and fucked everything up for The Anvil's little girl. Charlotte gets the figture eight (four?) and then Brooke attacked Naty. No fair, Flair. Also, lots of Flair dancing and Charlotte being all like, "get away from me," with Dana Brooke.
WOOO!
3 Star
Styles/Reigns
"You can't wrestle!" "Roman sucks!"
They chanted Roman sucks. It was great. Styles put him down three times but got kicked out each time. I saw the inevitable coming, but I still couldn't believe it. Plz Uncle Vince, I said. Plz not this again.
Pretty good match, a bit extreme (but not too extreme for PG) with some good Phenom Forearms and goddamn Superman Punches and hahahahaha
ROMAN SUCKS chant.
Though overall it was a solid match, and really when Rollins shows up at the end
3 star
SPOILER ALERT
Seth Rollins is back and the title belongs to him.
SETH ROLLINS IS BACK.
Goodnight you plucky bastards.
The Bottom Line
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Extremely PG Extreme Rules Preview with Swearing
"The current advertised dark match main event for Raw on May 30 is John Cena and Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. AJ Styles and Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson." - PW Insider's Steven Fernandes
Balls!
Hey kids! It's time for WWE's extremely PG extreme rules pay per view! Woo! Guys getting hit with chair- no? No chairs? Okay but at least some tabl- no tables? But they're both in the video game!
Okay, okay. Don't worry. Uncle Vince assures me that there will be both chairs and tables at the event. They will be used for selling merch, sitting down asses, and DEALING OUT PAIN AT SUMMERSLAM. I mean extreme rules, sorry. I'm just really excited for SUMMERSLAM.
Btw. Every time I write SUMMERSLAM my autocorrect makes it all caps. That's why it always looks like SUMMERSLAM. Anyway.
Here's the card with full predictions and RIP Mitch.
Jk he's coming back.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin (No Disqualification)
Again one of the better matches that I am looking forward to is early on the card. Thanks Uncle Vince, now I can go to bed while all the boring main events happen. I mean, I'm not saying that a billionaire who built a wrestling empire is an idiot, but Uncle Vince has been extremely lucky in the face of business practices that would slap dead any company that didn't feature Terry Gene Bollea and Mark Callaway. Why isn't this more main eventy? I thought this was a new era? Guess not. Anyway, both this guys haven't won on PPV for a while it feels like (maybe I'm wrong) and both have significant heat; it's still so close to call. I think they're gonna go traditional and either give it to the face or the heel; I mean like duh. Ziggler will pull out a win after Corbin showboats and gestates with the crowd most likely. I don't think Corbin will win because of the heel further down the card who says Neit. Likely Rusev will get the major heel win tonight.
The Usos vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Tornado Tag)
Boring. Boring. Boring. This this like the fifth time they've gone in recent memory. The matches aren't terrible but they're better with Reigns and Styles. Usos win again.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho (Asylum Match)
This one I am pretty interested in, if only because Jericho is always must see; and as of late he's been just perfect in the self centered heel role. It's great when he says, "quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet," to the audience; reminds me of the great heels. Ambrose is Ambrose. Great in ring, crowd love him, yeah he's fine, sure. This match gimmick could be great, I plan on seeing Y2J in the straight jacket and such. They need to morph the Ambrose gimmick a bit though, it's starting to become redundant. Ambrose gets gets his win back. Also look for the return of Mitch the potted plant, who is sort of like the Stephanie McMahon to their Son in Law Triple HHH (or the Jim Ross to their Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Intercontinental Championship)
I don't want to say to much about this match as I'm looking forward to it big time. I've cooled my hate for Miz lately and all three of the other guys are favorites of mine. Likely scenario is that Owens and Zayn cost each other the match (so to further their bitter feud) and then Cesaro wins it; thus changing hands. Whatever they do, please drop the belt. The worst thing they could do is build this match so much (through raw and snack down) only to have the heel retain the title. Cesaro by pinfall as Owens and Zayn cost each others shot.
Kalisto vs. Rusev (United States Championship)
Rusev wins here, I'm sure of it. I don't know why, I just have this feeling from the build. Kalisto will get buttered with punches and slams early, come back with some valiant second wind, then Lana will interfere and Rusev will win. That's what I think at least and I am always right about everything so.
Machka!
Charlotte vs. Natalya (Submission Match for Women's Championship; Ric Flair banned)
The women's division fucking rocks man. Tonight we have the daughter of Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the daughter of Jim The Anvil Neidhart. And they are both so good at what they do; the promo with Vince's Brood and Natch was awesome. I was on my feet when Natch lost his shit and went after Shane O Mac; doing the slaps and the walk and the run into the ropes. Classic. This might be the best match of the night, I don't wanna call it but I think tonight might be Naty's night.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains (Tag Team Championship)
I said might be because of course here lies the match which features a great NXT trained, throwback 90s feel tag team and of course your W...W...E...Tag...Team...Champions! New Day Rocks! But they probably drop the belts tonight, sorry. It's okay because A) they'll get them back soon and B) the Vaudevillians are pretty great, let's be honest.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Xhampripnshot)
Boring. I'm so sick of this feud. They both might be injured, but Styles is gonna be Kerry Von Erich one legging it on his injury. Could be great, their match at Payback was; but I'm just bored with this feud. Turn Roman heel tonight though...
And I'm fucking back Uncle Vince and Cousins Shane O and Steph and Aunt Linda and Cousins CM Punk and Hornswaggle and Cousin in Law Triple HHH. You bastards.
Live long and plucky.
Balls!
Hey kids! It's time for WWE's extremely PG extreme rules pay per view! Woo! Guys getting hit with chair- no? No chairs? Okay but at least some tabl- no tables? But they're both in the video game!
Okay, okay. Don't worry. Uncle Vince assures me that there will be both chairs and tables at the event. They will be used for selling merch, sitting down asses, and DEALING OUT PAIN AT SUMMERSLAM. I mean extreme rules, sorry. I'm just really excited for SUMMERSLAM.
Btw. Every time I write SUMMERSLAM my autocorrect makes it all caps. That's why it always looks like SUMMERSLAM. Anyway.
Here's the card with full predictions and RIP Mitch.
Jk he's coming back.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin (No Disqualification)
Again one of the better matches that I am looking forward to is early on the card. Thanks Uncle Vince, now I can go to bed while all the boring main events happen. I mean, I'm not saying that a billionaire who built a wrestling empire is an idiot, but Uncle Vince has been extremely lucky in the face of business practices that would slap dead any company that didn't feature Terry Gene Bollea and Mark Callaway. Why isn't this more main eventy? I thought this was a new era? Guess not. Anyway, both this guys haven't won on PPV for a while it feels like (maybe I'm wrong) and both have significant heat; it's still so close to call. I think they're gonna go traditional and either give it to the face or the heel; I mean like duh. Ziggler will pull out a win after Corbin showboats and gestates with the crowd most likely. I don't think Corbin will win because of the heel further down the card who says Neit. Likely Rusev will get the major heel win tonight.
The Usos vs. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson (Tornado Tag)
Boring. Boring. Boring. This this like the fifth time they've gone in recent memory. The matches aren't terrible but they're better with Reigns and Styles. Usos win again.
Dean Ambrose vs. Chris Jericho (Asylum Match)
This one I am pretty interested in, if only because Jericho is always must see; and as of late he's been just perfect in the self centered heel role. It's great when he says, "quiet. Quiet. Quiet. Quiet," to the audience; reminds me of the great heels. Ambrose is Ambrose. Great in ring, crowd love him, yeah he's fine, sure. This match gimmick could be great, I plan on seeing Y2J in the straight jacket and such. They need to morph the Ambrose gimmick a bit though, it's starting to become redundant. Ambrose gets gets his win back. Also look for the return of Mitch the potted plant, who is sort of like the Stephanie McMahon to their Son in Law Triple HHH (or the Jim Ross to their Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
The Miz vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn (Intercontinental Championship)
I don't want to say to much about this match as I'm looking forward to it big time. I've cooled my hate for Miz lately and all three of the other guys are favorites of mine. Likely scenario is that Owens and Zayn cost each other the match (so to further their bitter feud) and then Cesaro wins it; thus changing hands. Whatever they do, please drop the belt. The worst thing they could do is build this match so much (through raw and snack down) only to have the heel retain the title. Cesaro by pinfall as Owens and Zayn cost each others shot.
Kalisto vs. Rusev (United States Championship)
Rusev wins here, I'm sure of it. I don't know why, I just have this feeling from the build. Kalisto will get buttered with punches and slams early, come back with some valiant second wind, then Lana will interfere and Rusev will win. That's what I think at least and I am always right about everything so.
Machka!
Charlotte vs. Natalya (Submission Match for Women's Championship; Ric Flair banned)
The women's division fucking rocks man. Tonight we have the daughter of Nature Boy Ric Flair taking on the daughter of Jim The Anvil Neidhart. And they are both so good at what they do; the promo with Vince's Brood and Natch was awesome. I was on my feet when Natch lost his shit and went after Shane O Mac; doing the slaps and the walk and the run into the ropes. Classic. This might be the best match of the night, I don't wanna call it but I think tonight might be Naty's night.
The New Day vs. The Vaudevillains (Tag Team Championship)
I said might be because of course here lies the match which features a great NXT trained, throwback 90s feel tag team and of course your W...W...E...Tag...Team...Champions! New Day Rocks! But they probably drop the belts tonight, sorry. It's okay because A) they'll get them back soon and B) the Vaudevillians are pretty great, let's be honest.
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (Extreme Rules World Heavyweight Xhampripnshot)
Boring. I'm so sick of this feud. They both might be injured, but Styles is gonna be Kerry Von Erich one legging it on his injury. Could be great, their match at Payback was; but I'm just bored with this feud. Turn Roman heel tonight though...
And I'm fucking back Uncle Vince and Cousins Shane O and Steph and Aunt Linda and Cousins CM Punk and Hornswaggle and Cousin in Law Triple HHH. You bastards.
Live long and plucky.
Friday, May 20, 2016
LootCrate?!?!!
why wasn't Jhon Cena and Uncle Vince in this one. IT WAS CALLED POWER! They'll be in the steroids one, OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.
They need to make a wrestling LootCrate.
LootCrate May 2016
POWER!
HULK SMASH!
just got the Lootcrate for the month and though it wasn't the most amazing box they've done, it did have a few interesting tiddies in there of note. First of all sick Hulk figure from Q Fig, it fits nicely with the others that Lootcrate has Shipped in the past (Deadpool and Batman in the photo are also Q made by Q Fig.) I'm a sucker for statues so this one is a pass.
The shirt this month is also in the realm of pretty alright. I mean it's Warcraft so that's cool...if you wasted you life on that game. I wasted mine on Starcraft. Where's my damn Zerg devouring a Terran shirt gdamnit. Anyway, it's also cotton and huge for huge guys; I am a skinny bastard so it's fine. It's totally fine. Close pass.
Then something really cool. Plushy Shenron the dragon wrapped around a comically enlarged Dargon Ball. It has a clip on it so I think it's supposed to hang from your rear view mirror or your Haunaka fern, but I really don't care. I'm just gonna clip this to my face because dragon ball is awesome. Super pass with A plus.
Another resounding victory! A fracking Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt! This is quite awesome and cool and now I can move my sufflee anywhere in the universe without burning my hands. Solid. 10 out of 10 multipass.
Alright! Last thing here is the super awesome pin (which I love, like a child) and this time again it does not disappoint. It's apparently a bot from the game battleborn, but I do no care because these metal pins are sick and they could probably put just like the most awful thing on there and I would still wear it. Up to 11 out of 10.
Also the box is alright (but honestly I never turn them inside out, I just go, "oh cool," and play with my toys) but the magazine is really coming around. I actually read most of this one. The way they are laying it out with the stuff upfront (and corresponding articles) and then crap at the back is much better than the myriad of other ways they have tired to make it work. It's always kinda gimmicky and dumb, but it seems like it's getting better.
Anyway that's it for the May 2016 LootCrate, POWER!
They need to make a wrestling LootCrate.
LootCrate May 2016
POWER!
HULK SMASH!
just got the Lootcrate for the month and though it wasn't the most amazing box they've done, it did have a few interesting tiddies in there of note. First of all sick Hulk figure from Q Fig, it fits nicely with the others that Lootcrate has Shipped in the past (Deadpool and Batman in the photo are also Q made by Q Fig.) I'm a sucker for statues so this one is a pass.
The shirt this month is also in the realm of pretty alright. I mean it's Warcraft so that's cool...if you wasted you life on that game. I wasted mine on Starcraft. Where's my damn Zerg devouring a Terran shirt gdamnit. Anyway, it's also cotton and huge for huge guys; I am a skinny bastard so it's fine. It's totally fine. Close pass.
Then something really cool. Plushy Shenron the dragon wrapped around a comically enlarged Dargon Ball. It has a clip on it so I think it's supposed to hang from your rear view mirror or your Haunaka fern, but I really don't care. I'm just gonna clip this to my face because dragon ball is awesome. Super pass with A plus.
Another resounding victory! A fracking Infinity Gauntlet Oven Mitt! This is quite awesome and cool and now I can move my sufflee anywhere in the universe without burning my hands. Solid. 10 out of 10 multipass.
Alright! Last thing here is the super awesome pin (which I love, like a child) and this time again it does not disappoint. It's apparently a bot from the game battleborn, but I do no care because these metal pins are sick and they could probably put just like the most awful thing on there and I would still wear it. Up to 11 out of 10.
Also the box is alright (but honestly I never turn them inside out, I just go, "oh cool," and play with my toys) but the magazine is really coming around. I actually read most of this one. The way they are laying it out with the stuff upfront (and corresponding articles) and then crap at the back is much better than the myriad of other ways they have tired to make it work. It's always kinda gimmicky and dumb, but it seems like it's getting better.
Anyway that's it for the May 2016 LootCrate, POWER!
Thursday, May 19, 2016
A brief history of inanimate wrestlers
A brief History of Inanimate Wrestlers
Yoshihiko
Japanese wrestling is like no other. In a lot of ways, it's the heart and soul of the sport and the creative home for the moves and styles that define wrestling's violent poetic dances. It's the equivalent of what can be called a, "sports Mecca," where the greats often go to tour as conquering heroes, where the crowds are most appreciative of the work, where they can ply their trade far into obscurity. Some of the greatest of all time came from Japan, and there's so many to choose from; including Tiger Mask, Great Muta, Rikidozan, and Antonio Inoki...and I'm going to talk about the living sex doll Yoshikiko.
Bare with me.
Yoshikiko is first and foremost a wrestler. Weighing in at 400g, and at a height of 120cm, he is one of the few fourth generation gimmicks in wrestling. The preceding Yoshihiko's belong to the exclusive club of those few performers (like Million Dollar Man's adoptive father, Ted Dibiase Sr) who died in ring, mid performance; and an even more exclusive club (featuring one of my all timers, the game changing Bruiser Brody) of greats felled by one of their fellow wrestlers. As far as his gimmicks, they shifted including imitation appearances as Japanese legend Great Muta, the American Badass era Undertaker, to a current run as a Hulk Hogan clone. Yoshihiko also is a fan favorite and champion in his native land, known for his dominating, high flying power style and his tombstone pile driver finish. If all of this sounds like a pretty normal, run of the mill wrestling bio, then let me qualify it with this; Yoshihiko is an inflatable sex doll.
There is a time honored tradition in Japanese Pro Wrestling that is best described as the, "inanimate object that wrestles." But even that isn't quite fair, because to be honest one of those great, non traditional so called, "wrestlers," was the, "great," Misutero; a non existent, "invisible wrestler" (more on him later) who has himself had and continues to have a long and successful career in Japan. This tradition (like many wrestling and big top traditions) can be traced back to a myriad of differing, conflicting origins; but the main idea is to obviously show off the skill of this singular, in ring performer. Sale is the name of the game here. The actual real wrestler puts on one hundred percent of the show himself; selling frantically and dramatically the non existent moves of their opponent. While at face value it seems a puzzling spectacle, it's actually dizzying, amazing, and all kinds of awesome. And while many inanimate objects have had ample screen time in The Game (RIP Mitch,) none quite optimize what an inanimate grappler can do quite like Yoshi. Or rather, the wrestler that's actually doing the sell. It's interesting from time to time, but it's a gimmick. Nothing more than a fun little side show, original it may be.
But what happened next should surprise absolutely no one, and at the same time, may still shock you. Yoshihiko burst through the veil of being a strange yet popular gimmick, into one of the most popular wrestlers in the promotion he operates with, Dramatic Dream Team. He won major matches against, "superior," (see: animate) wrestlers, got major pay per view spots and his own manga comic and tv show. At one point he even held the (not so) prestigious Iron Man Heavymetalweight Championship; which is the Japanese Hardcore title so it has changed hands more times than reasonable to count. An aside on the Heavymetalweight Championship: the following is a small sample of some of the other, "wrestlers," who have at one time held this belt. A baseball bat who then lost it after being broken in half as a 'KO' decision, which is essentially death, three different (and I'm assuming legendary) ladders, which in all cases fell on the champion and a pinfall was counted, (two of these also defended the title at some point,) a chicken doll, and Mr. Kasai; a stuffed doll of the wrestler Jun Kasai. Mr. Kasai has actually won the belt twice so...I did say time honored, didn't I?
Anyway, Yoshihiko's run led to him having a kayfabe sister named Akihiro, who debuted in 2013; so yeah now there's multiple inflatable Sex Doll wrestlers in DDT, and even more in other promotions in the country. But no one can touch the king of inanimate wrestling; his matches are amazing to watch, wrestling spectacle and show at its very best. In one particular match, "he," after wrapping up the opponent and tossing him to the mat with a Power Slam; the opponent expertly sells a Yoshihiko Irish whip, and throws himself out of the ring. A black clad assistant jumps in and lifts him to his feet, clapping his flappy plastic arms in perfect unison with the crowd. Then the assistant balls Yoshi's body up and tosses him over the top rope to the delight of the fans; and he lands perfectly on his opponent. It's pure wrestling, plain and simple; even if it one of the stranger spectacles the sport can summon. He is a perennial baby face, cheered forever like Sting or Austin; a creation that is in a way another mirror of the fans themselves. For so long promotions (especially WWE) have so tried to over embrace the outside fans of wrestling. While it makes sense, as Uncle Vince built his empire through the Rock n Wrestling/Wrestlemania days (as well as on the crumpled bodies of so many shooters;) it's doesn't really seem like the smart move any more. The true fans of wrestling, when the dust has settled over the whole WWF, New Generation, Monday Night Wars, Attitude Era, Invasion storylines (wrestling history reads like Patrick Sylvster's essays on Revolution) were the ones who were left. Oh and India, if the Internet is to be believed. Yoshihiko is the natural progression of appealing to that heat.
But the success of Yoshihiko didn't come without its share of tragedy; which is the case when you cast your die with the wrestling lot. Yoshihiko the first was wrestling a match (that he was apparently booked to win) against wrestler Antonio Honda when Honda attempted a knee drop and Yoshihiko's head quite literally burst open; kayfabe, "killing," him instantly. His successor was modified into a Great Muta gimmick, however would meet much the same fate when Kenny Omega sent him out of the ring, splitting open his head and thus also kayfabe, "killing," him. A third Sex Doll Yoshihiko then made his appearance (in the very name match,) styled as the American Badass Undertaker (with the same entrance music.) Eventually this Yoshi was shot by the same man who killed his first incarnation, Antonio Honda; which led to his current Hulk Hogan incarnation. This gimmick has apparently lasted, or at least for now, such in ring tragedies that plagued his forbearers have yet to occur. What's interesting to me about this this juxtaposition of this storyline (though obviously created from necessity as in, at least the first two, "deaths," they were not planned) to the dearth of real in ring deaths that have always been a subtle backdrop to the sport. From the aforementioned Dibiase Sr to the beloved Owen Hart, to the many who have gone far before their time outside the square; it's clear that the grim reaper has been fitted for a shooters singlet. These men grapple with him nightly, from rental car to motel to mat and repeat ad nauseam; in a sea of pain killers and alcohol to numb and recoup and make sure they can make it to the ring tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Therefore, while in one way Yoshihiko's "deaths," can been seen as a heartless (pardon the pun Owen) attempt to cash in on one of the darker aspects of wrestling; it can also been seen as a realization and sort of tribute. A tribute perhaps only the wrestling fan can understand; backwards and silly, yet just as heartfelt. Maybe I'm wrong about that, and you're free to disagree; that's just how I feel.
The last thing I think is important about this gimmick is how it defines the fan base and is in a sense the only logical conclusion for where wrestling has been/is going. I was reading about Yoshi when I stumbled upon a recap blog that was reviewing a match it had with Kota Ibushi. The reviewer put it like this:
"Kota Ibushi defended his championship against Yoshihiko in their first singles match since 2009. The challenger had been very aggressive to Ibushi in the build up to the match. Here it refused to shake hands before the match began. It also wrestled in a T-shirt which makes me wonder if Yoshihiko was in bad shape today."
As you can see this is a gimmick bought and sold; at least for this viewer, Yoshi is 100%, undeniably over. That's what is so different and so amazing about the fans of this crazy ass wrestling shit; like you might do when you see a movie, we suspend our disbelief to the point of believing whatever the promoter/director wants us to believe. We are part of the epic drama, the Iliad and Odyssey of two titans engaged in a totally staged battle of centuries. The reward for the hardcore fan is to see something new, something amazing, something that shows off the very best that wrestling has to offer; weather that be the technicality, brutality, skill, or show. Yoshihiko is the epitome of the show part of wrestling, which separates it so from other high profile athletics. Can you imagine the NFL putting a mannequin at quarterback? Or the NBA fixing a game? (Lol.) okay, maybe not that, but you get the idea. The thing that separates us as fans is that we are smart marks, in on the joke; in on the reality behind the curtain and the gorilla position. They wink wink at us; and we wink back. That's why the promos like the pipe bomb are so tantalizing. Why when Steve Austin says, "you talk about you Psalms? John 3:16? Well Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!" it still sends shivers up my spine. Because we know the strange story behind it. Because we love wrestling.
Yoshihiko can be seen in Dramatic Dream Team wrestling in Japan from time to time, but the gimmick has cooled significantly and the manga is no longer running so it looks like the gravy train has hit the last station for our super sex doll wrestler. The Jun Kasai doll has made recent appearances, as well as the aforementioned Misutero; the non existent wrestler.
A bit more on him; this is a very weird gimmick that feels like it falls under the same sort of category as Yoshihiko, but with considerably less thought. It's the cheap version; "hey you know how they have a sex doll wrestler? Well we have a nothing wrestler." And by they I obviously mean we because obviously they are heavily used by the same company, those rascals as DDT. Opponents in their matches are on their own; selling the moves of a wrestler who isn't there. As Wikipedia puts it: "the title is held by nothing and no-one but the wrestlers and referees act as if they can see and pin the "invisible wrestler"." At one point Muscle Sakai (no relation) wrestled the title from Misutero by using patented "ray gun" and "infrared visor" techniques, which obviously apparently shoot the "invisible rays" at the, wrestler." In the end he Misutero dropped the belt to Muscle on a KO decision. That happened. A guy wrestled nobody and won a title belt. While the idea is the same, to showcase the wrestling and the single wrestler in a totally new way; but the matches are so boring their hard to watch, other than a select few. There's something about the faux realness of Yoshihiko that makes him more appealing; or something.
As I finish writing this a notification pops up to tell me that the corporate suck up John Cena is hosting the ESPY awards (which are irrelevant.) It reminds me why I do this. Or something. Maybe not.
Join me again won't you.
Yoshihiko
Japanese wrestling is like no other. In a lot of ways, it's the heart and soul of the sport and the creative home for the moves and styles that define wrestling's violent poetic dances. It's the equivalent of what can be called a, "sports Mecca," where the greats often go to tour as conquering heroes, where the crowds are most appreciative of the work, where they can ply their trade far into obscurity. Some of the greatest of all time came from Japan, and there's so many to choose from; including Tiger Mask, Great Muta, Rikidozan, and Antonio Inoki...and I'm going to talk about the living sex doll Yoshikiko.
Bare with me.
Yoshikiko is first and foremost a wrestler. Weighing in at 400g, and at a height of 120cm, he is one of the few fourth generation gimmicks in wrestling. The preceding Yoshihiko's belong to the exclusive club of those few performers (like Million Dollar Man's adoptive father, Ted Dibiase Sr) who died in ring, mid performance; and an even more exclusive club (featuring one of my all timers, the game changing Bruiser Brody) of greats felled by one of their fellow wrestlers. As far as his gimmicks, they shifted including imitation appearances as Japanese legend Great Muta, the American Badass era Undertaker, to a current run as a Hulk Hogan clone. Yoshihiko also is a fan favorite and champion in his native land, known for his dominating, high flying power style and his tombstone pile driver finish. If all of this sounds like a pretty normal, run of the mill wrestling bio, then let me qualify it with this; Yoshihiko is an inflatable sex doll.
There is a time honored tradition in Japanese Pro Wrestling that is best described as the, "inanimate object that wrestles." But even that isn't quite fair, because to be honest one of those great, non traditional so called, "wrestlers," was the, "great," Misutero; a non existent, "invisible wrestler" (more on him later) who has himself had and continues to have a long and successful career in Japan. This tradition (like many wrestling and big top traditions) can be traced back to a myriad of differing, conflicting origins; but the main idea is to obviously show off the skill of this singular, in ring performer. Sale is the name of the game here. The actual real wrestler puts on one hundred percent of the show himself; selling frantically and dramatically the non existent moves of their opponent. While at face value it seems a puzzling spectacle, it's actually dizzying, amazing, and all kinds of awesome. And while many inanimate objects have had ample screen time in The Game (RIP Mitch,) none quite optimize what an inanimate grappler can do quite like Yoshi. Or rather, the wrestler that's actually doing the sell. It's interesting from time to time, but it's a gimmick. Nothing more than a fun little side show, original it may be.
But what happened next should surprise absolutely no one, and at the same time, may still shock you. Yoshihiko burst through the veil of being a strange yet popular gimmick, into one of the most popular wrestlers in the promotion he operates with, Dramatic Dream Team. He won major matches against, "superior," (see: animate) wrestlers, got major pay per view spots and his own manga comic and tv show. At one point he even held the (not so) prestigious Iron Man Heavymetalweight Championship; which is the Japanese Hardcore title so it has changed hands more times than reasonable to count. An aside on the Heavymetalweight Championship: the following is a small sample of some of the other, "wrestlers," who have at one time held this belt. A baseball bat who then lost it after being broken in half as a 'KO' decision, which is essentially death, three different (and I'm assuming legendary) ladders, which in all cases fell on the champion and a pinfall was counted, (two of these also defended the title at some point,) a chicken doll, and Mr. Kasai; a stuffed doll of the wrestler Jun Kasai. Mr. Kasai has actually won the belt twice so...I did say time honored, didn't I?
Anyway, Yoshihiko's run led to him having a kayfabe sister named Akihiro, who debuted in 2013; so yeah now there's multiple inflatable Sex Doll wrestlers in DDT, and even more in other promotions in the country. But no one can touch the king of inanimate wrestling; his matches are amazing to watch, wrestling spectacle and show at its very best. In one particular match, "he," after wrapping up the opponent and tossing him to the mat with a Power Slam; the opponent expertly sells a Yoshihiko Irish whip, and throws himself out of the ring. A black clad assistant jumps in and lifts him to his feet, clapping his flappy plastic arms in perfect unison with the crowd. Then the assistant balls Yoshi's body up and tosses him over the top rope to the delight of the fans; and he lands perfectly on his opponent. It's pure wrestling, plain and simple; even if it one of the stranger spectacles the sport can summon. He is a perennial baby face, cheered forever like Sting or Austin; a creation that is in a way another mirror of the fans themselves. For so long promotions (especially WWE) have so tried to over embrace the outside fans of wrestling. While it makes sense, as Uncle Vince built his empire through the Rock n Wrestling/Wrestlemania days (as well as on the crumpled bodies of so many shooters;) it's doesn't really seem like the smart move any more. The true fans of wrestling, when the dust has settled over the whole WWF, New Generation, Monday Night Wars, Attitude Era, Invasion storylines (wrestling history reads like Patrick Sylvster's essays on Revolution) were the ones who were left. Oh and India, if the Internet is to be believed. Yoshihiko is the natural progression of appealing to that heat.
But the success of Yoshihiko didn't come without its share of tragedy; which is the case when you cast your die with the wrestling lot. Yoshihiko the first was wrestling a match (that he was apparently booked to win) against wrestler Antonio Honda when Honda attempted a knee drop and Yoshihiko's head quite literally burst open; kayfabe, "killing," him instantly. His successor was modified into a Great Muta gimmick, however would meet much the same fate when Kenny Omega sent him out of the ring, splitting open his head and thus also kayfabe, "killing," him. A third Sex Doll Yoshihiko then made his appearance (in the very name match,) styled as the American Badass Undertaker (with the same entrance music.) Eventually this Yoshi was shot by the same man who killed his first incarnation, Antonio Honda; which led to his current Hulk Hogan incarnation. This gimmick has apparently lasted, or at least for now, such in ring tragedies that plagued his forbearers have yet to occur. What's interesting to me about this this juxtaposition of this storyline (though obviously created from necessity as in, at least the first two, "deaths," they were not planned) to the dearth of real in ring deaths that have always been a subtle backdrop to the sport. From the aforementioned Dibiase Sr to the beloved Owen Hart, to the many who have gone far before their time outside the square; it's clear that the grim reaper has been fitted for a shooters singlet. These men grapple with him nightly, from rental car to motel to mat and repeat ad nauseam; in a sea of pain killers and alcohol to numb and recoup and make sure they can make it to the ring tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Therefore, while in one way Yoshihiko's "deaths," can been seen as a heartless (pardon the pun Owen) attempt to cash in on one of the darker aspects of wrestling; it can also been seen as a realization and sort of tribute. A tribute perhaps only the wrestling fan can understand; backwards and silly, yet just as heartfelt. Maybe I'm wrong about that, and you're free to disagree; that's just how I feel.
The last thing I think is important about this gimmick is how it defines the fan base and is in a sense the only logical conclusion for where wrestling has been/is going. I was reading about Yoshi when I stumbled upon a recap blog that was reviewing a match it had with Kota Ibushi. The reviewer put it like this:
"Kota Ibushi defended his championship against Yoshihiko in their first singles match since 2009. The challenger had been very aggressive to Ibushi in the build up to the match. Here it refused to shake hands before the match began. It also wrestled in a T-shirt which makes me wonder if Yoshihiko was in bad shape today."
As you can see this is a gimmick bought and sold; at least for this viewer, Yoshi is 100%, undeniably over. That's what is so different and so amazing about the fans of this crazy ass wrestling shit; like you might do when you see a movie, we suspend our disbelief to the point of believing whatever the promoter/director wants us to believe. We are part of the epic drama, the Iliad and Odyssey of two titans engaged in a totally staged battle of centuries. The reward for the hardcore fan is to see something new, something amazing, something that shows off the very best that wrestling has to offer; weather that be the technicality, brutality, skill, or show. Yoshihiko is the epitome of the show part of wrestling, which separates it so from other high profile athletics. Can you imagine the NFL putting a mannequin at quarterback? Or the NBA fixing a game? (Lol.) okay, maybe not that, but you get the idea. The thing that separates us as fans is that we are smart marks, in on the joke; in on the reality behind the curtain and the gorilla position. They wink wink at us; and we wink back. That's why the promos like the pipe bomb are so tantalizing. Why when Steve Austin says, "you talk about you Psalms? John 3:16? Well Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!" it still sends shivers up my spine. Because we know the strange story behind it. Because we love wrestling.
Yoshihiko can be seen in Dramatic Dream Team wrestling in Japan from time to time, but the gimmick has cooled significantly and the manga is no longer running so it looks like the gravy train has hit the last station for our super sex doll wrestler. The Jun Kasai doll has made recent appearances, as well as the aforementioned Misutero; the non existent wrestler.
A bit more on him; this is a very weird gimmick that feels like it falls under the same sort of category as Yoshihiko, but with considerably less thought. It's the cheap version; "hey you know how they have a sex doll wrestler? Well we have a nothing wrestler." And by they I obviously mean we because obviously they are heavily used by the same company, those rascals as DDT. Opponents in their matches are on their own; selling the moves of a wrestler who isn't there. As Wikipedia puts it: "the title is held by nothing and no-one but the wrestlers and referees act as if they can see and pin the "invisible wrestler"." At one point Muscle Sakai (no relation) wrestled the title from Misutero by using patented "ray gun" and "infrared visor" techniques, which obviously apparently shoot the "invisible rays" at the, wrestler." In the end he Misutero dropped the belt to Muscle on a KO decision. That happened. A guy wrestled nobody and won a title belt. While the idea is the same, to showcase the wrestling and the single wrestler in a totally new way; but the matches are so boring their hard to watch, other than a select few. There's something about the faux realness of Yoshihiko that makes him more appealing; or something.
As I finish writing this a notification pops up to tell me that the corporate suck up John Cena is hosting the ESPY awards (which are irrelevant.) It reminds me why I do this. Or something. Maybe not.
Join me again won't you.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Whatever Happened to the Men of Tomorrow? Perry Saturn
Whatever Happened to the Men of Tomorrow #1
Perry Saturn goes beast mode
In 2004 Perry Saturn wrestled his last match for about eight years. Only four years before he had been signed over to WWE in the midst of the whole buying WCW/terrible Invasion angle with the likes of The Crippler Chris Benoit, Latino Heat, and The Iceman Dean Milenkp. He had teamed with Milenko and feuded with the insufferable Crash Holly; been beaten by The Game who is Son in Law and feuded with Mud Hole stomping Steve Austin on his way to a major push. Then On the Job jobber Mike Bell accidentally gave a bit of a shoot or something that pissed Perry off, and he legit beat the shit out of him in (and out of,) the ring. This in turn led to the end of his push along with the coinciding punishment of being slapped with the brand new (and terrible) gimmick of being infatuated with a mop (no, really.) This was attributed to him receiving a totally real concussion which was used in a totally kayfabe storyline (see: Wrestling.) However, this gimmick naturally went over with the fans because ideas that Vince thinks are shitty always go over with the fans as we use a sort of reverse psychology to decide who to cheer and who to boo (see: Roman Rains.) Then Saturn tore his ACL; and obviously he was released after the rebranding because he was hurt and Uncle Vince is a dick. Also this was again, pre-concussion mania. Saturn went indie for a few years, but had to leave the life due to injuries. And that's where our story really starts.
You see, Saturn had his share of problems (ask Mike Bell) and like most wrestlers (all wrestlers) of his time was on the gas. But there aren't a ton of stories that paint him as some kind of guy who would full on beat the shit out of his wife (see: Stone Cold, love him, but those are the facts and that's the bottom line.) However Saturn may have been known as a bit of a pompous dick or bully in the locker room; he would become a hero in real life as of April 2004. Remember how I said he had to leave wrestling because of injuries? Well they weren't wrestling injuries. You see, on that fateful April night Perry came across two men attempting to rape a woman and went all beast mode on them. No seriously, he went full on beast Brock Lesnar Suplex City on there would be sexual deviants. While Perry was most assuredly getting ready to deal out round after round of Death Valley Drivers, he felt what he thought were punches to his neck and shoulder, but we're talking about a badass, gassed up wrestler here; actually they were just some bullets from a .25 pistol carried by one of the assailants. Yeah, Perry was so beast mode he thought the bullets were punches. And he just kept fucking punching b t dubs, what have you done today? I just ate a black bean veggie burger and played four hours of WWE2k16 so I really can't make judgements.
But like most wrestling stories (see: all wrestling stories) here's where it takes a darker turn into depressing-ville; where so many wrestling stories go to die among the shoddy, shabby rows of dilapidated hopes and dreams. Damn. After the incident, Perry became addicted to methamphetamine and ended up homeless for two and a half years; having no contact with anyone (except I assume, his dealer.) Uncle Vince did not come rushing to his aid (it was before the NFL lawsuits and increased eyeballs on concussions as I mentioned above) and in that time even his friends and family had no idea of Saturn's whereabouts. In an interview he did with John Pollock of Fight Network in 2012, Perry talked about his addiction candidly: "I was such a bad drug addict," he says, mentioning his time as European Champ and his matches with Latino Heat.
"I don’t remember decades. I was recently at the WWE training center, I was watching some matches with Shaul Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero’s daughter. There was a match with me and Eddie, and I won the European title from Eddie. I can’t ever remember being European Champion. I have no idea who I lost the belt to or anything. Decades where I was screwed up on drugs, and all that time I don’t have a memory, or a very clouded memory that I can’t piece together."
He also spoke on learning of the deaths of Eddie and Killer Kowalski (Saturn's trainer,) saying, "they were just another reason for me to get high." Yeah so. Deep shit. Depressing shit. But luckily it didn't end even sadder, as it too often does in wrestling. Saturn miraculously emerged in 2009 having kicked the habit and returned to the indie circuit in 2011 for AWE; being put over by the kayfabe brother of Arn and Ole Anderson CW at Night of Legends. Seriously, I cannot find out anywhere how he did it, but he did; he circumvented the path that so many others have taken before him and made it back. Hey, he even won a belt! But by 2014 the company he was working Extreme Rising folded out of the blue and (according to all the sources I'm willing to believe) he may be done with wrestling. Guest we'll just have to wait until he guests with Colt Cabana or Austin.
Oh there is one more thing. I guess since I shot on Austin (I'm probably going to get dry boot mud hole stomped for it,) I should also mention the whole water slide, dildo helmet, strippers in a hotel story. Yeah so I guess that Perry (along with quite a few other professional wrestlers) was a bit of a plucky bastard and party animal; and he liked two things chiefly. Strippers and Slip n Slides. Oh and dildo helmets. At least that is what I am led to believe from the following epic poem of a wrestling story. So the it goes, Perry and long time partner in crime (and future episode of this segment) Raven were bored in the hotel and decided, "hey man, boobies," so they accordingly hired some local strippers. As they were all consenting adults, and money was undoubtedly involved (also drugs, also booze) pretty soon things began to become inserted in said strippers; however apparently not to the effect that pleased our ramshackle heroes. So Perry decided it would be a fine idea to rig up a homemade Slip n Slide along with a homemade dildo helmet, proceeding to have Raven launch him toward the stripper and I think you get the picture. Into where dildos usually go, you know, the Christian way. In her vagina. Anyway, that didn't work to the degree that Dr. Saturn had hoped, so he quickly realized he needed to start thinking outside the box. A fire extinguisher was acquired and strapped to Saturn's back, which was determined by the two men to have the necessary propulsion methods to ram him full speed into, you know, the baby chamber. Since Perry Saturn's life was apparently a real life version of a Roadrunner Cartoon, it didn't exactly work. They fired off the extinguisher hoping I'm sure to be violently rocketed dildo helmet first into, again, a poor woman's privates; however instead what would happen did and it promptly fired straight into Raven's face; which if you know anything about fire extinguishers (I don't) this is a bad thing and could be really dangerous. Luckily right around then the hotel security showed up (the floor was leaking to the room below, because obviously it was) to find naked, dildo helmet covered in extinguisher goo Perry Saturn and Raven and strippers and homemade Slip n Slide and what the fuck, dildo helmet? Anyway, that's the best Perry Saturn story. And yes they did all get booted from the hotel. Wrestling is awesome.
Tune in next week for more shenanigans and hufflepuff.
kevvo
Perry Saturn goes beast mode
In 2004 Perry Saturn wrestled his last match for about eight years. Only four years before he had been signed over to WWE in the midst of the whole buying WCW/terrible Invasion angle with the likes of The Crippler Chris Benoit, Latino Heat, and The Iceman Dean Milenkp. He had teamed with Milenko and feuded with the insufferable Crash Holly; been beaten by The Game who is Son in Law and feuded with Mud Hole stomping Steve Austin on his way to a major push. Then On the Job jobber Mike Bell accidentally gave a bit of a shoot or something that pissed Perry off, and he legit beat the shit out of him in (and out of,) the ring. This in turn led to the end of his push along with the coinciding punishment of being slapped with the brand new (and terrible) gimmick of being infatuated with a mop (no, really.) This was attributed to him receiving a totally real concussion which was used in a totally kayfabe storyline (see: Wrestling.) However, this gimmick naturally went over with the fans because ideas that Vince thinks are shitty always go over with the fans as we use a sort of reverse psychology to decide who to cheer and who to boo (see: Roman Rains.) Then Saturn tore his ACL; and obviously he was released after the rebranding because he was hurt and Uncle Vince is a dick. Also this was again, pre-concussion mania. Saturn went indie for a few years, but had to leave the life due to injuries. And that's where our story really starts.
You see, Saturn had his share of problems (ask Mike Bell) and like most wrestlers (all wrestlers) of his time was on the gas. But there aren't a ton of stories that paint him as some kind of guy who would full on beat the shit out of his wife (see: Stone Cold, love him, but those are the facts and that's the bottom line.) However Saturn may have been known as a bit of a pompous dick or bully in the locker room; he would become a hero in real life as of April 2004. Remember how I said he had to leave wrestling because of injuries? Well they weren't wrestling injuries. You see, on that fateful April night Perry came across two men attempting to rape a woman and went all beast mode on them. No seriously, he went full on beast Brock Lesnar Suplex City on there would be sexual deviants. While Perry was most assuredly getting ready to deal out round after round of Death Valley Drivers, he felt what he thought were punches to his neck and shoulder, but we're talking about a badass, gassed up wrestler here; actually they were just some bullets from a .25 pistol carried by one of the assailants. Yeah, Perry was so beast mode he thought the bullets were punches. And he just kept fucking punching b t dubs, what have you done today? I just ate a black bean veggie burger and played four hours of WWE2k16 so I really can't make judgements.
But like most wrestling stories (see: all wrestling stories) here's where it takes a darker turn into depressing-ville; where so many wrestling stories go to die among the shoddy, shabby rows of dilapidated hopes and dreams. Damn. After the incident, Perry became addicted to methamphetamine and ended up homeless for two and a half years; having no contact with anyone (except I assume, his dealer.) Uncle Vince did not come rushing to his aid (it was before the NFL lawsuits and increased eyeballs on concussions as I mentioned above) and in that time even his friends and family had no idea of Saturn's whereabouts. In an interview he did with John Pollock of Fight Network in 2012, Perry talked about his addiction candidly: "I was such a bad drug addict," he says, mentioning his time as European Champ and his matches with Latino Heat.
"I don’t remember decades. I was recently at the WWE training center, I was watching some matches with Shaul Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero’s daughter. There was a match with me and Eddie, and I won the European title from Eddie. I can’t ever remember being European Champion. I have no idea who I lost the belt to or anything. Decades where I was screwed up on drugs, and all that time I don’t have a memory, or a very clouded memory that I can’t piece together."
He also spoke on learning of the deaths of Eddie and Killer Kowalski (Saturn's trainer,) saying, "they were just another reason for me to get high." Yeah so. Deep shit. Depressing shit. But luckily it didn't end even sadder, as it too often does in wrestling. Saturn miraculously emerged in 2009 having kicked the habit and returned to the indie circuit in 2011 for AWE; being put over by the kayfabe brother of Arn and Ole Anderson CW at Night of Legends. Seriously, I cannot find out anywhere how he did it, but he did; he circumvented the path that so many others have taken before him and made it back. Hey, he even won a belt! But by 2014 the company he was working Extreme Rising folded out of the blue and (according to all the sources I'm willing to believe) he may be done with wrestling. Guest we'll just have to wait until he guests with Colt Cabana or Austin.
Oh there is one more thing. I guess since I shot on Austin (I'm probably going to get dry boot mud hole stomped for it,) I should also mention the whole water slide, dildo helmet, strippers in a hotel story. Yeah so I guess that Perry (along with quite a few other professional wrestlers) was a bit of a plucky bastard and party animal; and he liked two things chiefly. Strippers and Slip n Slides. Oh and dildo helmets. At least that is what I am led to believe from the following epic poem of a wrestling story. So the it goes, Perry and long time partner in crime (and future episode of this segment) Raven were bored in the hotel and decided, "hey man, boobies," so they accordingly hired some local strippers. As they were all consenting adults, and money was undoubtedly involved (also drugs, also booze) pretty soon things began to become inserted in said strippers; however apparently not to the effect that pleased our ramshackle heroes. So Perry decided it would be a fine idea to rig up a homemade Slip n Slide along with a homemade dildo helmet, proceeding to have Raven launch him toward the stripper and I think you get the picture. Into where dildos usually go, you know, the Christian way. In her vagina. Anyway, that didn't work to the degree that Dr. Saturn had hoped, so he quickly realized he needed to start thinking outside the box. A fire extinguisher was acquired and strapped to Saturn's back, which was determined by the two men to have the necessary propulsion methods to ram him full speed into, you know, the baby chamber. Since Perry Saturn's life was apparently a real life version of a Roadrunner Cartoon, it didn't exactly work. They fired off the extinguisher hoping I'm sure to be violently rocketed dildo helmet first into, again, a poor woman's privates; however instead what would happen did and it promptly fired straight into Raven's face; which if you know anything about fire extinguishers (I don't) this is a bad thing and could be really dangerous. Luckily right around then the hotel security showed up (the floor was leaking to the room below, because obviously it was) to find naked, dildo helmet covered in extinguisher goo Perry Saturn and Raven and strippers and homemade Slip n Slide and what the fuck, dildo helmet? Anyway, that's the best Perry Saturn story. And yes they did all get booted from the hotel. Wrestling is awesome.
Tune in next week for more shenanigans and hufflepuff.
kevvo
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Gimmick Fever! Doink and Dink the Clowns
Over the next few weeks I will be starting a series of lame as fuck posts you will ignore. IGNORE THESE POSTS! Or don't. Donald Drumpf gives you the right to punch people in the head (he'll pay the legal bills too promise) and since everyone's favorite Wrestlemania Celebrity Guest prepares his run for the House of Cards; I bring you this peace offering. Which is a blog that will feature a wrestling clown. And yes it's the one you're all thinking of.
The Best Worst Gimmicks of All Time of the New Generation
This week we will be delving into some of the best (or worst) gimmicks in the history of the New Generation Era (sometime in the early to mid 1990s.) As Hogan, Flair, and Savage had brought wrestling into the mainstream, a new stable of over the top characters were pushed by WWF. These characters included the aforementioned wrestling clown, a scarface stand in, a very sexy boy, just a fucking Canadian Mountie, the usual demagoguery, racism, and fear of foreigners, two fat guys named for Natural Disasters (which was coincidentally also their tag team name and a description of their abilities,) a tag team rip off of The Mad Max franchise, a rip off of the rip off of the Mad Max franchise (wrestling is a strange place,) and an undead, super powered funeral parlor attendant and his dad who summons him from an urn; and probably runs the funeral parlor. It was the 90s. The cocaine hangover of the 80s. Ask Macho Man.
Anyway.
10: Doink the Clown
Here's a gimmick I absolutely love. It's so simple and cheesy and 100% 1990s. Like, this gimmick can be represented by Michael Jordan dunking a Polly Pocket while Chumbawumba's "Tub Thumping," ironically plays. It just reminds me of long hours playing with GI Joes and making what our parents probably saw as desperate cries for help on KidPix; Apple 2e style.
Doink the Clown was a clown. He also had a little Hornswaggle clown guy with him; as if being degraded for being a dwarf wasn't degrading enough, Uncle Vince makes him a clown. I guess that's why he smells the money he gives away while I don't ...have any money. Anyway.
persona was originated by Matt Osbourne and used in the very heart of the New Generation Era; from 1992 to 1996. Matt left the company in 93 but you know Uncle Vince; the character was then played by five other wrestlers. Osborne was still playing Doink up until his death in 2013.
In the ring Doink was a mega heel, pretty much incapable of being a typical face because you know...he's an evil clown and clowns are horrid. However, wrestling rarely follows that kind of logic so of course eventually they began to cheer the miserable clown, and he started to fuck with Bobby Heenan and other heels; to the delight of the fans. This was after Osbourne was fired for substance abuse (see: Uncle Vince is a dick) and the character had been picked up by Ray Apollo. It was at this point that diminutive wrestler Claude Giroux was added as Doink's accomplice; the aptly named, "Dink."
Giroux is an amazing guy in his own right, so halfway through writing this I realized I needed to give him his due. Claude went up one of the toughest roads in the wrestling...highways. okay, metaphor not so great, but seriously this guy had it tough. You see, when he started in Canada (see: his name) in the late 70s as Tiger Jackson, "midget wrestling," even though it was so delightfully named, was seen as a sort of freak side show to the, "real wrestling." Because of this Clause had to move from territory to territory, never really settling down too long. He was in NWA, WWC, as well as in WWF, wrestling with his brother; who was also a dwarf and called, "Little Beaver," because wrestling. He also teamed with the Bushwackers as, "Little Louie," (because the WWF and if he had been black it would have been like, "Black Little," or something,) and helped them win a feud with the Beverly Brothers, so good for him! Then he began impersonating wrestlers, starting with the Macho Man (the very sensitively named Macho Midget,) and his most famous incarnation; Dink.
What follows is for real. I'm not making it up.
Dink was presented to Doink as a present from Santa Clause. That is the best sentence I have ever written. And it's all true. Santa gifts Doink a little Dink and Oh man Doink totally should have lifted him up like Simba in Lion King but that movie didn't exist yet. Anyway, Dink joins in the antics and even wrestles against Bam Bam Bigelow (plucky chap,) at Wrestlemania X. There was also a time when Doink and Dink joined up with Wink and Pink (also midgets, WWE picking up some of George Lucas' slack,) and they took on King Lawler and his (trigger warning,) team of Little Kings; Queasy, Cheesy, and Sleazy. Yup. That happened too. In 1995 he left the company to return to Canada and HOLY FUCK HES STILL WRESTLING! Good for him, that plucky little, aw shit I'm sorry.
Anyway, back to Doink. Pretty soon after that he went on the job for guys like Jeff Jarrett and Hakushi (yeah, fucking Hakushi) finally loosing his last television match to The Game Aka The Son in Law (who was still Hunter Hurst back then.) The last time Doink was seen on WWF was being beaten down by new anti-hero super face Stone Cold; as the crowd chanted, "kill the clown." So yeah. That's actually usually how gimmicks go in wrestling (you'll be reminded when we get to Razor and others,) and in fact it's sort of a time honored tradition; that your mud hole gets stomped by Stone Cold's walked dry boots or whatever. Poor Doink.
Doink had a short but memorable career in WWF, and once again it's the same sad story we see with far too many wrestlers after they leave the squared circle. Matt Osbourne struggled with addiction (you know, cause he was abandoned by Uncle Vince for Breaking Fabe) until his death and the miserable clown lived on as a testament to Vince McMahon's endless, shameless balls. Now I'm depressed.
But hey!
Dink the Clown is still hitting the mat so good on that plucky bastard and his fucking badass song.
Thanks for reading this and if you have time go drive to Montreal Canada and check out Claude Giroux; according to the Internet he's still around so. Yeah. Until next time, when I break down The Greatest Intercontinental Champ of all time; The Honky Tonk Man.
Cheers you plucky bastards.
Introductions and Raw 5-9-16
I love wrestling. I have loved wrestling since I saw Warrior charge down the aisle; fists pumping, music blaring. I have loved wrestling since Ric Flair and Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 8. Since Undertaker served under the Million Dollar Man. Since before Honky Tonk Man was the Grestest Intercontinental Champ of all time. Since Rikishi was Fatu and Heartbreak Kid was a Rocker. Since way before What? and RIP Mitch. That's why I started this blog, to talk about my passion for the sport; for the history and the theater and the athleticism involved. Wrestling is my calling; except I'm 6ft and weigh a buck seventy so I won't be stepping in the ring as anything but a manager any time soon.
So yeah, I have decided to do the only thing I can do; start a wrestling blog. Each week I will break down the shows and offer insider opinions as well as a fresh and humorous look at the world of WWE. So I guess I should make without any further ado and...
"We have arrived is not a cry for attention: it's a warning."
MONDAY NIGHT RAW RECAP
5-9-16
So Wrestlemania is now firmly in the rear view mirror (with the feud between Roman Rains and AJ Styles heating and cooling at apparently the same time) as we head into Raw. The opening of the show was a bit stale, with Y2j doing his "I'm the best ever," Heel routine. The crowd seemed to get a bit hotter with the arrival of Big Cass; who showed up to tell Jericho about the new era and then give him a nice big boot off the apron. Overall the show open was cold though, really nothing more than a bit of receipt for the fans. This was followed up with Stephanie attempting a face turn and jumping on her brothers coat tails. I do love it when "Here comes the money!" hits and the crowd looses it. Shane is quick becoming the biggest Face in WWE.
Then Flair shows up for some classic Flair with Charlotte for a classic "Dad help me," sketch with Shane O; and it feels again a bit cold. I keep waiting for Shaq to show up.
Then there's some more promo from Styles and the Bullet Club. As a bit of background (if you haven't been watching) Styles dissented from smashing Roman Rains face in with a steel chair at the behest of the Club last week; a favor which Rains returned via cheap shot. Maybe they're finally building to that Roman heel turn.
More promos. Sami Zayn and KO talk tough but have little Mic skills; oh and great they get paired with Miz. This whole "new era," angle is off to a rocky start, but at least guys like KO and Zayn are here to please never talk again either of you.
Finally the first match and it's a doozy. Charlotte takes on the lovely Paige with Natyla taking shit on the mic ringside. Paige goes hard early, but Charlotte uses those Flair tactics to gain the advantage. It's really amazing the way that Charlotte channels her fathers antics, the whole "don't touch me," routine is great. Paige I would assume is the Face here, but the crowd again seems lukewarm to her.
Flair takes over the match before a great sunset flip reversal and then an onslaught into the corner. Charlotte kicks out after receiving a knee to the head, the kicks out again after a super kick into the second false finish in a row. The match swings back to Charlotte for a moment before they end up on top of the turnbuckle and Paige gets a well executed suplex into yet another kick out. After a series of pins, Paige goes for the Sharpshooter but Charlotte gets the rope break. Then the match gets really god when Charlottle goes for a dirty pin, Natyla gets involved, Paige slams Charlotte and Daddy Flaor shows up.
Shane O Mac kayfabe arrests his natural ass and the Schmoz that follows leads to Paige getting the pin. For a Raw match it's a 4 out of 5.
The next match is not as much of a doozy, but as you'll soon come to understand I fucking hate Miz. Sami Zayn works so hard in this match, but Miz is flat as always. It begins with the old collar and tie, which is nice for me as an old schooler; but the beginning is slow and sloppy compared to the woman's match. When Zayn turns on it gets better. His speed and technique are what made the Takeover match with Nakamura so enthralling; and he shows his skill again here. Hopefully Vince will bring him up for good. Zayn controls early on before some manager interference which leads to a great Irish whip which Zayn flips out of and grounds Miz. It feels like they are playing Zayn up as a smart guy; for instance he hits the ring when he almost counted out then goes back out to deal more punishment to Miz. Zayn keeps working and Miz keeps...being Miz as the crowd chants Zayn's name. Miz picks it up and takes control leading to some more close kickouts. Miz misses the Skull Crushing Finale then hits a DDT and Zayn kicks out. Miz misses the figure four gets pile drived and kicks out as the momentum shifts. Zayn is essentially fighting for this new era and its apparent that he has to slow down to Miz's slower speed to sell moves. It doesn't look like he's quite got the slower WWE style as opposed to what he used to in NXT. Zayn avoids submission via rope break then is saved by the ref seeing Miz's dirty pin attempt. Zayn hits the finisher and gets the pin; this further cementing the New Era. 3 out of 5. Less for Miz. Miz gets a D for being Miz.
Then we have to sit through the coked out ramblings of Zack Ryder, who I will never understand; as well as more cold Kevin Owens. KO is great in the ring, and for that matter so is Ryder I'll admit, but there is a serious lack of mic skills from the New Era. What they need is a Flair or a Randy Savage, but at least they're not all Psycho Sid.
Roman and Usos appear to the usual mix of boos. Roman can't talk and the Usos can a bit; but the promo is still so cold I stop listening after about four seconds. They should make Roman a Heyman guy too.
Gallows and Anderson come out to further cement the New Era, followed of course by the incomparable Styles (jk, Y2AJ) and I really start to hope they might win this one. The Styles/Roman match at Payback was great and all six guys here can wrestle so.
Romans music should include boos. They come Raining down on him through the din and (according to the eyewitness fans) Roman fucking hates it. He should just fucking embrace it like the greats (Gorgeous George, the aforementioned Flair) and be the Heel we want him to be.
The match starts hot with Jey Uso getting hammered by Gallows; but the momentum quickly shifts. The A'noi boys make quick heel work of the actual heels with a three on one, before our hero Y2AJ tags in to even things up. Anderson gets in and Bullet Club takes back over. THE CROWD IS LUKE AS WARM CAN GET. But the Usos still get an U-SO cheer so hey there's they.
Jey gets eliminated and now I'm like, oh fuck Roman is gonna take them all down alone. Now that it's three on one Roman and AJ hit the mat, but jk then The big lug goes out there so Roman can cheap shot Styles and be superman. Jimmy gets his Uso cheer and then Gallows takes back over with a big boot; then he tags in Anderson who gets rolled up by Jimmy and eliminated. Oh boy here it comes. I bet Gallows goes next then Jimmy then duh that's obviously what happens. Jimmy actually gets eliminated first, leaving poor Roman all alone against AJ and Gallows. Gallows goes in and gets an obvious super punch and count out; Styles comes in hot and nails Roman a bunch. But you know me, I'm just waiting for Roman to have his Hogan moment and Hulk out and win. Styles does his thing, coming over the rope and out with a ferocious forearm. But in setting up the announcers table he gives Roman the time to have his Hogan Moment and come back; tossing him into Michael Cole's chair. Roman then does the heel thing before Anderson comes out of the crowd with a steel chair and Roman gets the dirty win. The Usos return to save little cousin Roman and the Schmoz is the best part of the match. Roman hits some lame spears and the crowd is cold, but then Styles gives him an irenage, goes for the Styles clash but Roman escapes and they share a heartfelt moment of stare down before Roman picks up the chair and...and...AND...drops it at his feet. I'm just glad they didn't find out their moms name was both Martha. Roman gets booed, or maybe Styles for not upsiding Roman's head, and the match finally ends with Roman holding the Triple H invitational belt.
Match: 4 out of 5. Ending Schmoz: 5 star.
After that nonsense we have another New Era match, but this ones New Era v New Era! I'm not a Ryder fan, but he's fine in the ring. KO goes to work early, "looking to out Ryder away," but he ends up getting ass dropped by Coke boy outside the apron. However things change when Ryder hits an amazing flying drop kick from the top turnbuckle and goes for a pin. but the they just trade missing moves for a while; leading to an attempted boot and another trip outside the ring. Ryder brings KO back in then hits a massive elbow drop from the top for a false finish, then sets up and misses again with momentum shifting back to KO, who gets the quick pin. A short match and not very good either. Should have gone before the six man tag. This match also sets up the fatal four way with Ces, Miz, KO, and Sami Zayn.
2 out of 5.
They the show Enzo getting injured and it's kinda weird. Big Cass hits the mic in the Gorilla position and talks shit on Y2J. He also gives a cute shout out to his injured partner. But the crowd loves his ass I guess. Not as much as the amazing Tag Team Champs.
New Day Rocks. New Day Rocks. They just do. Deal with it. I guess they're feuding hard now with the Vaudevillians, which is...sure fine the New Era angle, whatever. I like the gimmick because it's a gimmick; I'm so sick of these RKO/Cena clones (see Roman Rains) and I am ready for some amazing old school gimmicks. The thing that's great about the New Day is that they're just different from a lot of the other gimmicks we've seen.
But oh fuck.
The Dudley Boys are here. Get your tables. Get the fucking tables.
This match is my main event.
And so of fucking course it's open isn't televised. Seriously Vince.
Anyway, there better be a table soon.
The match starts (well at least what I could see) with the Bubba takin control before Kofi gets away and makes the tag to Big E. E hits his big splash (but without the trombone which makes me sad, so be it!) before Kofi gets back in and momentum shifts back to the Dudley's. Devon does some damage and - SERIOUSLY WHERE IS THE TABLE. I'm starting to think there won't be a table tonight. Sad.
The match is a bit slow which is to be understood since the Duds are getting up there in years but.
Table? Nope
Jk
New Day Rocks. No table for Kevin.
At one point JBL says "the man has a family." Which is funny.
As to be expected, VVs show up and cause New Day the match (title not on the line) and fuck.
No tables. Bullshit Vince. I was promised tables.
Also I'm coming around on the Vaudevillians.
5 out of 5. Wait, 4 out of 5 for no tables.
Now for the main event! Sort of. Whatever. It's Big Cass and Y2J for the "my friend got injured championship." I'm just waiting for Y2J to run in, but it doesn't happen. Even though his entrance started the show, fuck this is Jericho, he's doing the double baby! But then he gets fucked up for all his stupid showboatyness and his jacket is stolen by...
Who could it be?
Oh shit
Welcome to the Ambrose Asylum mother fucker. That ghost is wearing your jacket.
Jericho screams that it costs 2000 dollars which is also funny. Ambrose shows how much that means to him (Jerocho also the says it's worth 1500) by tearing it up. Then they have a breif and meaningful altercation; but Y2J forgot about Big Cass.
Cass shows him what's up by sending him into the Dirty Deeds by Ambrose and then he scissors up the lighty jacket. It's pretty great but the match with Cass never happens. JBL is very concerned for the well being of the jacket. 15,000 dollars is now how much the jacket costs by the way (according to Shane and Steph.) Vince's brood share another weird bit which ends with Steph totally turning face. Jericho also gives another value for the jacket.
RIP Mitch. RIP Jericho's Lighty Jacket.
No match but this gets a 5 out of 5.
That's all for this week, join me again won't you?
kevvo
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