Whatever Happened to the Men of Tomorrow? Perry Saturn

Whatever Happened to the Men of Tomorrow #1

Perry Saturn goes beast mode

In 2004 Perry Saturn wrestled his last match for about eight years. Only four years before he had been signed over to WWE in the midst of the whole buying WCW/terrible Invasion angle with the likes of The Crippler Chris Benoit, Latino Heat, and The Iceman Dean Milenkp. He had teamed with Milenko and feuded with the insufferable Crash Holly; been beaten by The Game who is Son in Law and feuded with Mud Hole stomping Steve Austin on his way to a major push. Then On the Job jobber Mike Bell accidentally gave a bit of a shoot or something that pissed Perry off, and he legit beat the shit out of him in (and out of,) the ring. This in turn led to the end of his push along with the coinciding punishment of being slapped with the brand new (and terrible) gimmick of being infatuated with a mop (no, really.) This was attributed to him receiving a totally real concussion which was used in a totally kayfabe storyline (see: Wrestling.) However, this gimmick naturally went over with the fans because ideas that Vince thinks are shitty always go over with the fans as we use a sort of reverse psychology to decide who to cheer and who to boo (see: Roman Rains.) Then Saturn tore his ACL; and obviously he was released after the rebranding because he was hurt and Uncle Vince is a dick. Also this was again, pre-concussion mania. Saturn went indie for a few years, but had to leave the life due to injuries. And that's where our story really starts.

You see, Saturn had his share of problems (ask Mike Bell) and like most wrestlers (all wrestlers) of his time was on the gas. But there aren't a ton of stories that paint him as some kind of guy who would full on beat the shit out of his wife (see: Stone Cold, love him, but those are the facts and that's the bottom line.) However Saturn may have been known as a bit of a pompous dick or bully in the locker room; he would become a hero in real life as of April 2004. Remember how I said he had to leave wrestling because of injuries? Well they weren't wrestling injuries. You see, on that fateful April night Perry came across two men attempting to rape a woman and went all beast mode on them. No seriously, he went full on beast Brock Lesnar Suplex City on there would be sexual deviants. While Perry was most assuredly getting ready to deal out round after round of Death Valley Drivers, he felt what he thought were punches to his neck and shoulder, but we're talking about a badass, gassed up wrestler here; actually they were just some bullets from a .25 pistol carried by one of the assailants. Yeah, Perry was so beast mode he thought the bullets were punches. And he just kept fucking punching b t dubs, what have you done today? I just ate a black bean veggie burger and played four hours of WWE2k16 so I really can't make judgements.
But like most wrestling stories (see: all wrestling stories) here's where it takes a darker turn into depressing-ville; where so many wrestling stories go to die among the shoddy, shabby rows of dilapidated hopes and dreams. Damn. After the incident, Perry became addicted to methamphetamine and ended up homeless for two and a half years; having no contact with anyone (except I assume, his dealer.) Uncle Vince did not come rushing to his aid (it was before the NFL lawsuits and increased eyeballs on concussions as I mentioned above) and in that time even his friends and family had no idea of Saturn's whereabouts. In an interview he did with John Pollock of Fight Network in 2012, Perry talked about his addiction candidly: "I was such a bad drug addict," he says, mentioning his time as European Champ and his matches with Latino Heat.
 "I don’t remember decades. I was recently at the WWE training center, I was watching some matches with Shaul Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero’s daughter. There was a match with me and Eddie, and I won the European title from Eddie. I can’t ever remember being European Champion. I have no idea who I lost the belt to or anything. Decades where I was screwed up on drugs, and all that time I don’t have a memory, or a very clouded memory that I can’t piece together."
He also spoke on learning of the deaths of Eddie and Killer Kowalski (Saturn's trainer,) saying, "they were just another reason for me to get high." Yeah so. Deep shit. Depressing shit. But luckily it didn't end even sadder, as it too often does in wrestling. Saturn miraculously emerged in 2009 having kicked the habit and returned to the indie circuit in 2011 for AWE; being put over by the kayfabe brother of Arn and Ole Anderson CW at Night of Legends. Seriously, I cannot find out anywhere how he did it, but he did; he circumvented the path that so many others have taken before him and made it back. Hey, he even won a belt! But by 2014 the company he was working Extreme Rising folded out of the blue and (according to all the sources I'm willing to believe) he may be done with wrestling. Guest we'll just have to wait until he guests with Colt Cabana or Austin.

Oh there is one more thing. I guess since I shot on Austin (I'm probably going to get dry boot mud hole stomped for it,) I should also mention the whole water slide, dildo helmet, strippers in a hotel story. Yeah so I guess that Perry (along with quite a few other professional wrestlers) was a bit of a plucky bastard and party animal; and he liked two things chiefly. Strippers and Slip n Slides. Oh and dildo helmets. At least that is what I am led to believe from the following epic poem of a wrestling story. So the it goes, Perry and long time partner in crime (and future episode of this segment) Raven were bored in the hotel and decided, "hey man, boobies," so they accordingly hired some local strippers. As they were all consenting adults, and money was undoubtedly involved (also drugs, also booze) pretty soon things began to become inserted in said strippers; however apparently not to the effect that pleased our ramshackle heroes. So Perry decided it would be a fine idea to rig up a homemade Slip n Slide along with a homemade dildo helmet, proceeding to have Raven launch him toward the stripper and I think you get the picture. Into where dildos usually go, you know, the Christian way. In her vagina. Anyway, that didn't work to the degree that Dr. Saturn had hoped, so he quickly realized he needed to start thinking outside the box. A fire extinguisher was acquired and strapped to Saturn's back, which was determined by the two men to have the necessary propulsion methods to ram him full speed into, you know, the baby chamber. Since Perry Saturn's life was apparently a real life version of a Roadrunner Cartoon, it didn't exactly work. They fired off the extinguisher hoping I'm sure to be violently rocketed dildo helmet first into, again, a poor woman's privates; however instead what would happen did and it promptly fired straight into Raven's face; which if you know anything about fire extinguishers (I don't) this is a bad thing and could be really dangerous. Luckily right around then the hotel security showed up (the floor was leaking to the room below, because obviously it was) to find naked, dildo helmet covered in extinguisher goo Perry Saturn and Raven and strippers and homemade Slip n Slide and what the fuck, dildo helmet? Anyway, that's the best Perry Saturn story. And yes they did all get booted from the hotel. Wrestling is awesome.

Tune in next week for more shenanigans and hufflepuff.

kevvo